Untwisting Scriptures #6, Striving, Dying to Self, and Life, is due to be published in December. IIf you join the Book Launch Team (affectionately known as my BLT), you’ll help get the word out to others. Find out more here.
The testimony below is from a friend who has been on a journey toward understanding who God really is. Because she has been in my life for some time now and because I believed her testimony would resonate with others, I asked her to write it for me to publish.
Disconnect
I was born to believing parents, and I lived my life trying to please God, believing that this was the pathway to blessing. Yet, decades later, when I decided to write down what I thought God was like, based on how I had experienced Him, this is what I wrote:
— Harsh
— Exacting
— Oppressive
— Burdensome
— Cannot please
— Tyrant
— Cruel
I would have to walk a long path before I would know God as the Good Shepherd who tenderly cares for his own.
The “Christian life”
At age nine, I saw the film A Thief in the Night, a 1973 movie about what events surrounding the “rapture” might be like.
It terrified me. Afterwards, when I told my mom I didn’t want to go to hell, she prayed with me, and this became my salvation testimony.
When I was eleven, my dad moved our family to a small independent fundamental Bible (IFB) college where he believed God was calling him to learn more about the Bible. We lived on campus, immersed in the strict IFB culture of that school.
In my four years there I believe I heard more preaching than most people will ever hear in their lifetimes. We learned to comply with their many strict rules. Our willing obedience to all these standards and expectations, with “the right heart attitude,” was considered the measure of our spiritual condition.
- Music was to include no drums and no sliding of musical notes.
- Women were to wear skirts or culottes – pants were discouraged and approved only for certain occasions.
- Men had to keep their hair short.
- We weren’t to dance, attend movies, or consume alcohol.
- Men and women were not allowed to swim together.
- We were to serve in ministry and be present for all church services, revival services, conferences, seminars, prayer groups, workshops, teen activities, chapels, and camps with three services a day, along with daily personal devotions.
- Tithes as well as sacrificial giving were required.
- Dating/courting couples (there was much argument about which option was the right one) were required by the school’s strict standards, and these rules were to be followed even during summer and holiday breaks.
We were taught that following all these rules and more would ensure God’s blessing on our lives.
It would take another 25 years for me to understand how the teachings of those 4 years had shaped my life.
Increasing disconnect and confusion
When my dad finished school, we left that IFB college and moved to another small IFB church and school.
At fifteen, I was interested in entertainment and my physical appearance. But even though I didn’t really care about the required activities of the church, I still complied with all that was expected of me because that was what I knew.
This began a disconnect between what I had been taught vs. my personal interests and desires, leading me to doubt my salvation.
During a difficult high school senior year, I became very withdrawn. When I graduated, I was still aware of the spiritual disconnect in my life, but I didn’t know what to do about it and I didn’t want to do anything about it.
My parents believed it would be best for me to attend the same IFB college my dad had attended, so of course I complied.
During my first semester there, I heard a sermon emphasizing the hypocrisy of Judas Iscariot. As I listened, I became convinced that the spiritual disconnect in my life was also caused by personal hypocrisy. I began to shake so much that my friend next to me noticed. I believed this to be conviction of sin. At the invitation, I went forward immediately and prayed with a counselor. Surely now I had become a true Christian.
Soon I was baptized, and I experienced a sense of peace for some time. But I didn’t experience that “life change” that so many speak of after conversion.
At the same time, in the chapel and classes at that college I continued to hear confusing teachings on topics such as God’s will, dating, emotions, music, entertainment, money, ministry, vocation, divorce and remarriage, sanctification, prayer, and more. I didn’t know how to process all this. What standard or conviction would please God in all these areas so He would bless my life? I didn’t know.
What I did know for sure though, was that I needed to be compliant and obey authority willingly.
When some more difficult life experiences came my way, I became overwhelmed, withdrew and shut down again. Surely there was something wrong with me. But at that age, I had no understanding about clinical depression.
Eventually I transferred to a different IFB college that initially felt less oppressive. But that was where I was particularly harmed by teaching regarding emotions. Emotions were bad and untrustworthy, I was told, and the more you set them aside, disregard them, and even cut them off, the more spiritual you will be. Of course I tried to comply.
It took me years to see how pervasive the damage was that this teaching caused in my life.
The spiritual attacks
After graduation, I got my first job in the corporate world and began serving in my local church.
However, the next fifteen years were marked by ever-deepening spiritual darkness and emotional instability and decline, along with circumstantial problems in almost every area of life—all while I was serving in church ministry, striving to meet expectations, and be as obedient as possible.
On my 30th birthday, throughout a weekend trip with my mom and sisters, I was tormented by a voice screaming something horrific in my mind that I could not stop. When the voice finally did stop, I was left confused, drained, and disturbed. I had no understanding of what it was, why it happened, or what eventually made it stop.
Over the next several years, these attacks continued. They grew darker, longer, more intense, and more frequent. In addition, I became increasingly aware of feeling chained, trapped or imprisoned, unable to move forward in my life.
All my fundamentalist training had given me no understanding of spiritual bondage.
The years passed, and the more I fought to be free, the stronger the grip became. Everyone saw me as a good Christian, so how could I tell anyone about this? Even if I did, how would I explain it since it would sound so bizarre to people? I didn’t really understand it myself either, so I just suffered in silence while still striving to be the best Christian I could be.
But as time went on, I grew more and more desperate for help.
Eight years later, in 2017, after following what I was sure was the Lord’s leading, I had a crash and burn experience. It left me numb and in shock, barely able to process what had happened. And, all the while, I was still undergoing the tormenting attacks.
But God intervened in June 2018 – He brought me to a professional counseling ministry that understood and addressed spiritual warfare. Through the help of two counselors, I began to find freedom from the attacks. Eventually the attacks stopped altogether. I experienced significant improvement and stability through this spiritual warfare counseling.
But somehow, something still felt amiss, something that felt like a root issue.
Then one day I decided to write a few words to describe my Christian experience.
I came up with “guilt,” “torment,” and “confusion” (and later, “conflict”).
Light bulb
In 2019 I discovered the book Boundaries, When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Cloud and Townsend.
I had never heard of boundaries being applied in a relational context. I had no idea that I could set boundaries with others, particularly my so-called “authorities.”
But as I read that book, I began to realize that many of the teachings in my IFB background were actually boundary violations.
As I finally began to see how I had been affected by the IFB system, buried emotions began to come to the surface. I decided to write a list of IFB teachings and dynamics that had been bothering me for a long time. By the time I had finished compiling my list, I was looking at over 40 ways the IFB system had damaged me.
This brought me face-to-face with my view of God. The words I chose were “harsh,” “exacting,” “oppressive,” “burdensome,” “cannot please,” “tyrant” and even “cruel.”
I knew this was wrong, but I could no longer ignore what I felt.
I started wondering again whether I was truly a converted Christian. It didn’t make sense to me why my life had taken such a dark path spiritually or why my view of God was so terrible if I was genuinely a Christian.
My light bulb moment finally came when talking with my counselor friend again. She said to me,
“Well, what you experienced was really spiritual abuse.”
I was dumbfounded. Spiritual abuse? What was that? The only abuses I knew of were domestic and sexual, and I hadn’t experienced those. I wasn’t abused.
Was I?
But her statement hit me hard.
Learning different
As my conflicting thoughts swirled, I felt prompted to read Matthew 16:13-16, Peter’s confession of Christ: “You are the Christ, the Son of the Living God.”
When I read that statement, my heart fully resonated with it. There was no confusion and no conflict—which was huge for me.
From then on, I had confidence that my conversion was true and real. I was grateful to have the issue settled.
But in 2022 I ran into a new spiritual challenge. When my church started a program called “Pray and Enjoy,” I decided to participate in praying through specified Bible passages each week. The first passage was Psalm 23, a psalm of peace and joy in the Lord.
I never got past Psalm 23. I read it, read it again, and read it many more times after that. Absolutely nothing about it resonated with me.
I literally felt zero connection to it, no matter how hard I struggled with it.
At the same time, I was grieving the loss of two family members who had died unexpectedly within about a month of each other. But then, a friend I hadn’t heard from in 15 years learned about the two deaths in my family and sent me a card and a book called The Lord is My Shepherd: Resting in the Peace and Power of Psalm 23.
With much upheaval in my life, it took me months to read it, but when I finally did, I realized I didn’t know and had never known Jesus as the Good Shepherd like this book described. Then I read another book called Gentle and Lowly, and once again, I realized I knew nothing of that Jesus—the gentle and lowly Jesus.
While I was trying to figure out who the Scriptures really taught Jesus to be, another friend recommended a set of books called Untwisting Scriptures. I ordered them immediately and began reading.
If I could have articulated my responses to what I learned in the Untwisting Scriptures books, I would have included words like “floored,” “astonishment,” “resonation,” and “validation.” These books put words to so many issues I had been struggling with but did not know how to describe!
Another book that was so eye-opening was The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse by Johnson and VanVonderen. I would use the same words to describe my responses to this book as to Untwisting Scriptures!
Life-changing Galatians
Then I discovered that the author of Untwisting Scriptures, Rebecca Davis, lived in the same town as I did. I reached out to her, and that conversation led to further discussions. Eventually Rebecca invited me to a Bible study with her and her husband in their home, and we began studying Galatians.
I have to admit, I wouldn’t have chosen to start with Galatians. I believed it wouldn’t be pertinent to where I was spiritually.
I was SO wrong about that!
In early May 2023, while reflecting on my salvation and how the Lord was leading me to peace, I realized my past spiritual experience lacked any real connection with Jesus as a person. While reading Galatians, I particularly noticed the phrase “him who called you.” Although I had seen the word “calling” in the Bible many times—and had heard plenty of sermons about it—it had never felt personal.
I said to the Lord, “I don’t believe I’ve ever heard you call me.”
Then I recalled Peter’s response to “Who do you say I am?” in Matthew 16, and I remembered how my heart had resonated with his words, “You are the Christ, the Son of the living God.”
Next, I heard this question in my heart: “Who asked Peter this question?”
I answered, “Jesus did.”
Then I heard another question in my heart: “Who do you think asked you?” I instantly knew: Jesus did.
He had been calling me all along, cutting through my conflict and confusion to reveal that He is the true bedrock foundation of my faith.
We finished our study of Galatians in the spring of 2024. Whenever I think about how that book impacted me, I still marvel.
Through his description of the “Judaizers” in Galatians, Paul gave me a full description of the problem I had experienced throughout my spiritual past: legalism.
I had heard the term “legalism” countless times but never thought it applied to me. I had been taught that legalism is the belief that salvation is based at least partly on works. But that’s not what Paul was teaching in Galatians. Paul addressed his teachings in Galatians to believers—people who were already truly saved by faith. Yet, they had distorted the gospel. They had become “Judaizers,” or legalists.
What is this “distorted” gospel?
It is a gospel that begins with faith and the Spirit but then reverts to the flesh and the works of the law (rule-keeping) for Christian living and growth.
The end of chapter 2 reinforces that justification is by faith. By the beginning of chapter 3, Paul’s consternation is evident:
“O foolish Galatians! Who has bewitched you?… Did you receive the Spirit by works of the law or by the hearing of faith?… Having begun in the Spirit, are you now being made perfect by the flesh?”
A believer is saved through faith and is perfected (i.e., “sanctified”) through faith and the power of the Spirit—nothing else.
Throughout the epistle, Paul contrasts faith with the works of the law, stating that “works of the law” (rule-keeping) lead to bondage and slavery. He had some strong language against those who tried to convince those Galatian believers otherwise.
The Good Shepherd
I’m so thankful my horrible view of God is changing. I can see his faithfulness in bringing me out of legalism and showing me that what I experienced was not true Christianity. The Good Shepherd came to find me in that terrible darkness and carry me out of it.
Psalm 23 now resonates with me, beginning with the very first line:
“The Lord is my shepherd.”
My spiritual life is still a work in progress, but the darkness that once dominated my life no longer has the grip it once did. God has changed the direction of my life, bringing me much-needed healing and stability.
I’m glad to say now that my focus is seeking to understand God’s love for me.
I pray that others who have been harmed by the false teachings of legalism will find the freedom and healing that the true Good Shepherd gives.
Christ the Shepherd, available at https://www.etsy.com/listing/1421769650/christ-the-shepherd-jesus-and-lamb-jesus
I cried deep sobs as I read this. It’s so similar to what I have been through and where I’m at. Knowing I’m not the only one. I even just read some of Gentle and Lowly. And this just came at the right moment.
I’m so thankful, Katie!
Thank you, Rebecca!
Hi Katie – Jamey here. When Rebecca asked me to share this, I did not think that there would be many people that would resonate because I thought the same as you did – that I was the only one…or at least one of only a few. It turns out that there are many of us who have been impacted by legalism. My prayer for you is that the Good Shepherd will bring you out one step at a time…just like He did for me.
Thank you so much, Jamey! I appreciate and value your prayers.
This brought me to tears. Thank you for sharing your story, I understand what you have gone through. I’ve been in horrible bondage for years due to childhood trauma and KJV-onlyism. It’s been so dark and at times I thought I wouldn’t survive.
But God also brought me out and I am allowed to slowly but truly understand what people mean when they sing about His love and goodness. 🙂
It’s a long path but it’s worth it! We serve a great and loving and gentle God!
Beautiful! I pray your journey will continue with joy, Katja.
If I could only express my gratitude for this honest testimony. Mine is similar. I had NO idea there was such a thing as spiritual abuse and I was a victim. I STILL have a hard time not going back to those legalistic thoughts and patterns but my new real relationship with the Lord is vibrant and growing. I’m so thankful for Patrick Doyle, Leslie vernick, Natalie Hoffman and Rebecca Davis. They have boldly spoken the truth and it has changed my life. He is the Good Shepherd
I love this! Thank you, Jeanette!
I love how you point us to the Good Shepherd, Rebecca! It’s beautiful how a team of people – the professional counselors who understood spiritual warfare, a friend who sent her a book, authors who exposed spiritual abuse and taught boundaries, and you and your husband who provided gentle fellowship and deep meaningful and true illumination of the scriptures as Jamey experiences the Good Shepherd.
Thank you for sharing, Jamey!
Oh yes, I love that you highlighted the TEAM aspect of all this. Rather than saying it takes a village, I would say it takes a body. God has called all of us to do something. We can all be His hands and feet and point others to His love.
Hello Laurie – Jamey here. Yes – the Lord has used many people in different ways all along the way, and I am blessed that He has done so. There is one other person who has been part of my journey as well – she is my mentor. She is the one who listened to SO MUCH when the volcano of suppressed emotion starting exploding way back in 2008. I pray that the Lord brings people like her, Rebecca, my 2 counselors, and believing friends into the lives of others whom God is bringing out of the darkness of legalism. We definitely need one another as we walk this road.
I feel like I could write this. I was born and served in a spiritually abusive church for 30 years. 5 years later and the darkness hasn’t lifted for me. I want to understand Gods love but it’s very disconnected from how I live. My mind feels scrambled and my heart feels broken beyond repair. It seems like God has forgotten about me.
Thank you for writing this. It helps to know I’m not alone.
I’m so sorry, Kat. Of course you’re describing deep trauma. And one of the worst kinds of trauma is that associated with betrayal–trauma from the very people who were supposed to love and protect you. I’m so sorry, and I pray that the Lord will shine His light for you and show you the way.
Hi Kat – Jamey here. First, I am sorry that you feel like the darkness is still there in your life. I know that is a hard place to be. But, if I can offer you some encouragement, this is what it would be:
1) You are not alone in this – I am finding out too that there are many believers who have been impacted deeply by the evils of legalism.
2) God has not forgotten about you – especially when you still want to know who He is in spite of all the conflict and confusion. That matters to Him, and it is Jesus who comes to get us out of that darkness.
3) Coming out of legalism has been a step-by-step process, so I would encourage you not to be hard on yourself. Instead, I would encourage you to ask the Lord what YOUR first step is. I believe He will show you that, and when He does, you will begin to sense that the darkness is lifting.
I pray that this helps you on your journey!
Wow! Jesus is so wonderful! He calls to all of us. He calls us out of confusion and spiritual abuse.
Yes! Amen!
Thank you Jamey for sharing your story. I am so thankful He continues to show Himself as the Good Shepherd and continuously drew you to Him. I love how Galatians helped in such impactful ways and I know your testimony will point others who are struggling toward His goodness. I’m so sorry you suffered under spiritual abuse and the resulting warfare, but rejoice with gratitude for His deliverance and revelation of the true Gospel and His love and goodness that are interwoven into it.
Thank you Rebecca for having Jamey share her story here!
I’m so thankful she has been willing to be vulnerable for the sake of others.
Hi Alicia – Jamey here. Galatians was absolutely vital to helping me understand the kind of legalism that I had been trapped in – especially the stuff that doesn’t seem to apply to today, like when Paul is talking about Abraham, Sarah, Hagar, Mount Sinai and Mount Zion. Galatians was the book that fully set me free from the chains of legalism, even though I am still working through fallout from it in my life. I would encourage any Christian dealing with legalism to read Galatians until they can hear the life-giving truths found in it!
Wow! What a powerful testimony. I can absolutely relate to Jamey’s descriptions of the burdensome effects of legalism and perfectionism that we too often find in church – and church people. Sadly, they live in bondage to a creed rather than enjoying a wondrously personal relationship with our living Lord.
I too began my walk of faith bound to legalism. After surrendering my life to Jesus, I immediately joined a Baptist church. Most profoundly, I remember times when I would share a personal struggle or my fears with people I thought I could trust only to be reprimanded with the church’s mantra, “Do you have any unconfessed sin in your life?” If I was struggling, it was because I was “doing it wrong.” So I learned to put on a good face and pretend things were fine when they weren’t.
Thankfully, many years later, my Lord brought people into my life who loved and encouraged me in the midst of my stuff. They genuinely knew Jesus and showed me what it meant to live in His love, acceptance and grace. Unfortunately, the roots of legalism go deep, and half-truths and lies must be identified and rejected, replaced by the rich measure of grace, peace and joy that can be found in the arms of the One who loves us more than we can comprehend!
“Come to Me, all you who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
Oh goodness, so beautiful as always, Cindy. I’m so thankful for the bright light you’re shining for Him!
Hi Cindy – Jamey here. Thank you for this reply – it is so accurate. I pray it encourages others who read it as well!
Thank you for posting this, Rebecca! It was certainly heart wrenching to read but there was a lot of it that I could also resonate w/ re: the restrictions from certain churches that I visited. I also felt restricted due to my growing up in an abusive home as well. .I praise God for His powerful love & care & the way to escape for Jamey!!! The way to escape as in TO JESUS!!! 🙂
Yes, amen! Thank you, Donna.
Hi Donna – Jamey here. Jesus definitely IS the way of escape. One of the most freeing truths for me came when I realized that Jesus has absolutely nothing to do with legalism. Jesus and a legalistic system are mutually opposed, and it is clear from Scripture that He and all the apostles stood strongly against it. And since they did, I can too! I pray this truth will help free others as well.
Luke 11:52 “Woe to you lawyers, [ie.legalists]! For you have taken away the key of knowledge. You did not enter yourselves, and you hindered those who were entering.” A great quote from Jesus himself.
I was raised in under IFB teachings & remember everything on your IFB checklist (no music with a drumbbeat, no movies, only dresses/coulottes below the knee…). I was so confused when they spoke Ephesians 2:8-9 out of one side of their mouths & spewed the list of rules out of the other. Lordship Salvation at its finest! I agree that Galatians was the perfect study to start with. The Truth shall set you free…
“Lordship salvation.”
Oh, the memories that evokes. I haven’t heard the term for years, thank God, and until I read your comment, I’d quite forgotten about it. Definitely the opposite of a God who pursues his people with lovingkindness and grace and mercy all the days of their lives.
When I learned the term “Lordship salvation” in about 1990, I thought of it as only a positive thing. He is my Savior, and He is my Lord. I had no idea it was a term to manipulate and control others.
I feel like God is standing back waiting for me to find Him. Not the other way around. Every way she describes God is exactly how I would.
Hello Renea – Jamey here. One of the most pivotal points in my journey out of legalism, was coming face-to-face with my view of God. Not an academic, right-answer view of Him like I would give when asked in a classroom setting, but how I had personally experienced Him (or who I had thought was Him). It felt very strange and even wrong to describe God in the terms I wrote down, but it was through that honest, blunt admission that God began to show me that this is NOT who He is. There are many steps along the way, but this one was very important in coming to more freedom. I read somewhere once that God is not afraid of my anger or frustration or bluntness, and that He actually desires that authenticity. He knows what is there anyway, and in my case, I believe He prodded me until I faced it myself and then voiced it to Him. The main point was that even in all the confusion and conflict, did I want to find out who He ACTUALLY is? My answer was “yes,” and that is still a work in progress, but much of the darkness has lifted. I pray that you find this encouraging in your own situation.
Thank you, Jamey.
This writing is a beautiful gift to each of us.
Thank you for sharing your heart with the body of Christ.
I know this brings encouragement and healing to many readers.
I want to add this to my comment from yesterday.
To those of us who are still recovering from spiritual abuse, I share a thought from a teaching I heard 20 years ago when I was at the beginning of my recovery.
“It is worth it to get well.”
I say this because, at that time, I didn’t think it was worth it to recover from the degrading, controlling, manipulative atmosphere of our former churches.
There may be someone reading Jamey’s heartfelt post who is thinking, “My life was stolen from me by this horrible religious system. It will take a long time to be healthy again. It’s too much work, too many tears, and too much pain. Is it worth it?”
I am here to tell you, yes it is.
Please believe me when I tell you that God will send you healthy people to help you overcome your past. It will take time, but it is worth the process.
I remember asking my new friends, “I don’t know what to do with my anger. Where do I put my anger? I’ve been “had” for years.”
They lovingly helped me through that anger and all the other emotions I experienced from decades of ungodly spiritual leadership.
I pray for each of you to pursue recovery. God has prepared people just for you!
And someday, you will be a prepared person for someone else.
God bless each of you!
God bless you, Jamey!
God bless you, Rebecca!
What a beautiful word of wisdom. Thank you so much!
Thank you for posting this – I actually needed to hear this because I have had that thought too. I have had to work through so much anger from feeling like my life was stolen from me. Sometimes I still feel like it is too late, but I try to remember that God can bring good out of grief and loss. Thank you for reminding me that it is worth it.
How can someone thank you enough for sharing your journey?
Thank you! I think MANY people can relate to this and be helped.
It is captivating.
Thank you
Praise God! Thank you for your encouragement, Jeannette.
Hello Jeanette – I honestly didn’t think many people would resonate with this because I felt very isolated in what I had experienced. I have been out in the secular workforce for many years, and I never talked about my background because I knew they would have no processor for it (I knew I’d get cross-eyed stares if I had tried to explain it). I am discovering that though that may be true amongst unbelievers, it is not true amongst believers. Rebecca has frequently spoken about the pervasiveness of legalism amongst Christians, and I am starting to see what she is talking about. She kept gently encouraging me for awhile to write out my journey – at first just so I could see it for myself, and then eventually coming to this point of posting it here. I pray that many people are helped through it because I know both Rebecca (and her husband Tim who is also part of my journey) and I want people to find out who the real Jesus is for themselves.
Wow.
Thanks, Jamey, for writing this article and posting it publicly. I relate to many aspects of what you experienced. I remember being terrified after watching Thief in the Night – despite having accepted Jesus well before. There was such a recurring atmosphere of “are you sure?” which permeated a lot of my church and Christian school environments. Were you feeling inner angst? Were you less obedient to you parents than you ought to be, or did you feel distant from God? Well, maybe you hadn’t really meant what you said when you asked Jesus into your heart. Or maybe you weren’t as surrendered as you thought. Another commenter mentioned “lordship salvation.” I haven’t heard that term in years, and oh, my, the internal doubts that idea could churn up. Thank God I am far away from that kind of teaching now!
Your article validates the anger and intensity that I feel when I think about and name the many spiritual harms that I experienced as a child and into my early adulthood – harms that rippled into emotional and physical disturbances and distress now.
Despite having come out of that environment 25 years ago, and despite having dealt with some of the bad teachings then, I have discovered now, in the midst of a present, chronic, ongoing stress within my present family (a chronic health problem, and disrupted relationships), that the tentacles of those teachings wove themselves deeper than I knew into my body and soul. And the present trauma of what our family is going through triggered those twisted teachings to rear their ugly heads, like a mass of swirling hydrae.
I currently experience a lot of ambivalence in my relationship to God – he has clearly and sweetly shown himself to me in definitive ways over the last year. And yet I continue struggling to fully trust his goodness, his actual care for me and for our family, because our circumstances and relationships do not seem to be changing. And then, of course, I feel badly about this doubt, because he gave himself for me – what more could I want. And yet, I need more – I need him, now, not once in awhile but every single day.
For most of my life I didn’t realize that when people speak of God as a good shepherd, as a loving father, and so on, that they actually mean something more than words. Praise God that I have begun to have glimpses of this, but I also realize that I do not yet “get it” like others seem to.
My head knows. My body and heart do not, yet.
I also really appreciate your mention of the number of people in your team of support that you had – in one of the comments you posted under the article. That too is reassuring and comforting. I myself have two Christian therapists (individual and marriage), an amazing Christian healthcare professional, and the support of our monthly prayer with our church elders and pastors. It seems I shouldn’t need so much support, and yet, I do. It’s nice to know I’m not alone in needing so much.
Thanks, again, for taking the time to compose your thoughts and experiences.
Oh my word, it’s so important to have support when coming out of abusive environments! I praise God for those who are supporting, and I pray that He will raise up many more.
Thank you for your words.
Hello – I am truly sorry that you are still experiencing difficulty even though it has been some time since you left that legalistic world. The teachings do impact us more deeply than we realize – I still discover this as well. I want to encourage you by saying that you are not alone in this journey – more and more people are coming forward and talking about how an inaccurate (and even harmful) view of God was presented to them in their formative years, and I pray that we can help one another dump the lies and be freed by the truth of who our Father in heaven and our Good Shepherd really are. I don’t believe God is angered or irritated with your neediness or struggle to trust Him. There are times where I have to consciously reject false legalistic teaching that still comes to my mind. I think it takes time for those lies to lose their hold. I will not tell you that I fully “get it” either – I too have had glimpses. But I have come to believe that those glimpses are good – they are progress! I pray that you find encouragement – not just with what I have shared, but also what others have shared here too.
So important, Jamey. Thank you.
It has taken me years to understand how gentle Jesus is with me. Kind and gentle (yet so strong). And this past year, He has shown me how passionately He loves His children (us). I too sometimes fall back into a bad mindset of legalism, but then praise Him, and cry out to Him for a renewal of mind. He is so faithful!
Beautiful! Thank you, Anne!
Hello Anne – this is something that I am still learning to understand. I yet have to consciously reject legalistic thoughts and pressures when they come. For example, I deliberately do not get up in the morning and read my Bible because I now know that the time of day that I spend in God’s Word is irrelevant, contrary to what I had been taught (the earlier the better because the day would be less likely to unravel). Thank you for sharing this – I need reminders of the gentleness of Jesus and how He loves His own.
*LONG POST WARNING*
So grateful for the courage Jamey exhibited in sharing her personal journey/story. I grew up in the same scenario so can resonate with all of this.
I think it can be very difficult for other people to understand/really grasp if they have not experienced this or were not affected the same way or to the same degree by a fundamentalist/legalistic system. People just process experiences so differently. Some people can just more-easily dismiss things or let things “go in one ear & out the other,” or just “don’t take things that far;” but I’ve come to believe that the ideology of staunch fundamentalist legalism can often be the most harmful to the people with deep-thinking, analytical, & consistent minds (especially if the person was raised in it). This kind of mind combined with a heart that is sensitive to truth & the things of God can be a “lethal combination” when raised in/indoctrinated with legalism.
For a long time I didn’t really realize the harm & damage that can be done when a child/young person regularly endures a lot of emotionally-manipulative/fear- mongering/pulpit-banging/browbeating/guilt-tripping/shaming-type preaching & teaching all the time – which was so common in strict legalistic institutions & churches. It’s no wonder that others of us also came to the view of God such as Jamey described.
Legalistic systems are also rife with blatant hypocrisy, double standards, arrogance & “spiritual” superiority, cronyism, disagreements on all kinds of viewpoints/positions about theological and Christian living topics (while each “camp” claims its position is the biblical one), and separation teaching (even from other believers who are just more “liberal”). All of this is so much for a child/young person to try to sort through.
To top it off…most of these legalistic systems do accurately teach some core/fundamental doctrinal truths, so it’s just all mangled up! The confusion & conflict get to be overwhelming & defeating. That’s why Rebecca’s work of “untwisting scriptures” is so pertinent & helpful! She “speaks the language” and understands where people are coming from who have been so negatively impacted by all of the warped & distorted ideas & teachings that were claimed to be from scripture/God.
And I agree…legalistic systems do nothing to help with spiritual warfare issues. Most do not really even recognize it-especially for believers. And I totally understand about the suppressed/cut-off emotions issue; people who’ve been indoctrinated and controlled by legalism often do not actually mature & grow emotionally (especially if there’s also other/childhood trauma involved), which is very damaging personally and to relationships.
Legalism does not teach one to know God but to perform for Him. There is nothing truly relational in legalism (even though they use terms like “relationship with God/Christ”). For many, adhering to legalism just produced a spiritual façade and a powerless, barren Christian experience.
I’m so glad that our brother, Paul, confronted this threat of legalism/distorted gospel in the church at Galatia some 2,000 years ago and that there are some Christians today still in the fight for people like Jamey & me & others whose lives have been so affected.
The Christian life is a walk of ever-deepening faith, and it’s the fruit/product of the Spirit’s work – not the fruit of the self-effort of legalism & external conformity. Legalism masks what’s really going on in a person’s heart & mind and stands in the way for the power of the Spirit to produce real transformation in someone.
So much more could be said, but I have so much understanding of and appreciation for the things Jamey mentioned in this testimony. Praying for continued healing and real relational experience of God’s love and grace and truth.
Thank you for this, Rachel–so many quotables here. This is my favorite: “Legalism does not teach one to know God but to perform for Him.” That is EXACTLY what it is, in a nutshell. Or we might even say, “to perform for those who stand between you and Him.”
You observed the dark hypocrisy that is so often extant in the lives of the preachers of legalism. And they have to cry out, “We are all hypocrites!” to try to cover for that. (Which is a chapter somewhere in one of my Untwisting Scriptures books.)
I’m so thankful you’re also walking out of that darkness with the help of Galatians and other Scriptures–and the Holy Spirit!– whom I believe the legalistic preachers fear. God bless you on your journey.
Thank you for these thoughts Rachel! So well-stated and clear!
Rebecca and Jamey, thank you for publishing this remarkable writing. My path was influenced by a pastor and his family that spoke these ways and hurt my family (years ago). It was confusing. It was very hard and was harmful to our family. I’m thankful that God understands. I lost a sister to suicide, and I believe it was due in part to her confusion with the church and its teaching. God has so much love and is love to all who partake of His goodness and grace.
Thank you for sharing your story of tragedy and hope, Norma. Yes, church leaders will be held accountable for how they led people astray and stripped them of hope. I’m so thankful there truly IS hope in our Lord.
I feel so much of your pain, reading this post and the previous comments. My own journey out of fundamentalism took many years and happened in stages. Legalism is a religion from hell that tries to look like Christianity, but is truly a set of blinders and bondage to self-condemnation. It is (in part) the belief that spiritual maturity is achieved by stoic adherence to rules. It almost always includes the belief that our old nature never dies and you must fight it with willpower the rest of your life. No victory. No abundant life. No true relationship with God. Always about guilt and failure and bondage to sin. If the apostle Paul could see what the modern Church has done with legalism, he would have written a letter that made Galatians look like a walk in the park!
Amen!
Also, I highly recommend “The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse.” I sat under Dave Johnson’s teaching for 5 years (1992-1997). Probably the best teacher on true grace I’ve ever heard. If you are unchurched, or still looking for hundreds of messages of grace-based teaching, please check out his website: https://thingsthatremain.org/
Yes, that one was a big help to Jamey. Someone gave it to us shortly after it was published in the early 1990s, but I didn’t know to fully appreciate it at that time.