The Called to Peace Ministries Women’s Retreat will be happening April 7-10 in the Asheville, NC, area. Joy Forrest, the founder and director, has said that the response in recent years has been so overwhelmingly positive that she and her team have decided to do it every year. Attendees have found it refreshing, joyful, and thoroughly Christian.
I’ll be doing a breakout session on principles for Untwisting Scriptures. I would love to see some of my Here’s the Joy subscribers there.
Early Bird registration ends on February 6th, so don’t delay! You can go here to register. And scholarships are available, so don’t let lack of funds keep you away.
***
Christmas of 2007 my husband gave me the book Boundaries. I had never heard of it.
A couple of weeks later we had a long car drive to a wedding, and I read that book all the way there. I was crying. Suddenly I back-hand slapped my husband on the arm and said, “Why didn’t you give me this book a long time ago?”
The person I had needed to draw boundaries with was my mother, who always thought she knew best. She even often quoted the verse, “Do not remove the ancient landmark [boundary stone] which your forefathers have set” (Proverbs 22:28), to let me know that I should believe as she did about all things she deemed important, even as an adult with children myself.
In the book Boundaries, I read things that I had never thought about before–like that a feeling of resentment could be a sign that appropriate boundaries had been violated. I felt resentment toward my mother a good bit. I hated that I felt that way, but I hadn’t known what to do about it.
The very concept of “boundaries,” drawing limits in a relationship, was a new concept to me, especially when it came to parents, whom you were supposed to honor.
It was a rocky road drawing some boundaries with my mother, and I gave the book probably at least a couple more read-throughs. But finally there came a time when I was able to tell her (with dignity and respect) that I would no longer go back to her bedroom with her to endure the hours-long rebukes on the hot seat. Finally I was able to tell her that whenever she did want to rebuke me, it would need to be when my husband was present.
I still had very few words in my working vocabulary to describe the relationship with my mother, but I finally had the word “boundaries.” And I was beginning to understand the concept.
And I knew it was Biblical—both in principle and example.
So it has surprised me when I’ve heard from some believers that it’s not Christian to have boundaries. I’ve actually heard, “We shouldn’t have boundaries because Jesus didn’t.”
They are referring, of course, to Jesus’ willingness to go to the cross, with all the terrible suffering He knew that would involve. After all, “like a lamb that is led to the slaughter, and like a sheep that before its shearers is silent, so he opened not his mouth” (Isaiah 53:7b).
But no boundaries? That meant Jesus didn’t have boundaries?
Maybe the problem is a lack of understanding of the concept of “boundaries.”
***
***
Go here to download your free Guide, How to Enjoy the Bible Again (when you’re ready) After Spiritual Abuse (without feeling guilty or getting triggered out of your mind). You’ll receive access to both print and audio versions of the Guide (audio read by me). I’m praying it will be helpful.
Oh, Rebecca! Your journey is mine too! …even the Boundaries book! I read it too, years ago… and Boundaries with Kids saved our family. I really believed that having boundaries was UN-Christian. I had to write a book about it (My Path from Doormat to Dignity) to finally change my way of thinking, as Childhood abuse was part of the mix for me.
Looking back now, it’s hard to believe that I once truly thought that I was being “good” and “kind” to allow others to spew me with toxic garbage! In truth, I was dishonoring myself, them, and God! My best, Jane
Amen, yes!
Jane, that same “Boundaries Book” was a master key to waking up this formerly Christian door mat! The church culture I had faithfully been in for 35 years rewarded humility, submission, and silence even in the face of obvious abuse (The Lord’s Recovery Movement of Witness Lee). Conveniently that church culture also discouraged the reading of any materials not published by them. Even after escaping that cult in 2009 I still suffered at the hands of (sometimes well meaning) church leaders who twisted certain scriptures in order to push for a quick & peaceful reconciliation at all cost (often to the victim) – simply crazy-making! At your website I thoroughly enjoyed getting a GENEROUS sneak peek into many chapters of your book. Because the church at large continues to harm God fearing believers with twisted scriptures it’s vitally important for writers like you and Rebecca to gain more exposure. Thank You for leaving this comment! Steve
Way to go! Good stuff. When people ask, I always define boundaries as telling someone what you are going to do. In other words, for example, instead of telling someone, “you can’t talk to me that way”, you would say, “when you talk to me that way, I’m leaving the room”. Boundaries doesn’t seek to control others. It just shows people a fence when they are approaching disrespect.
Good way to express it!
For various reasons, I had a great deal of difficulty understanding the concept of boundaries, and I grappled with some of the same ideas you write about in this post.
My “breakthrough” came in viewing boundaries as being about my behavior, reactions, etc. rather than about the other person. For example, I established “listening boundaries” for myself, such as no longer being willing to sit and listen to gossip, disgusting language, or blasphemy. I established “speaking boundaries” for myself, as well as consequences for when I violated them (immediate apology, for example.) As I began establishing these and other boundaries, I felt no need to announce them to anyone, because they didn’t require any cooperation from anyone else.
Some of my boundaries had to do with how I would react to speech and behavior that I found egregious. There was one particular boundary that I did communicate to someone who had sinned criminally against me yet never repented. When he brought up his past crimes (yes, literal crimes) in an attempt to minimize and defend them, I calmly told him what I had prayerfully decided: if he ever repeated or attempted to repeat his crimes, this time there would be serious consequences. I left it at that.
What I learned and am still learning is that by holding myself responsible for how I choose to act and react, by establishing boundaries for myself, and holding myself accountable, the biggest “boundary pushers” in my life have gradually begun treating me far more respectfully. Part of it is that I’m no longer providing them with opportunities to treat me with disrespect. I’m no longer rewarding their sinful behavior or reinforcing it. And I’m not allowing myself to join them in their sin.
Fantastic thoughts. Thank you so much, Rebecca.
Love that last line. So profound and freeing. Thank you
Thank you for this, Rebecca. I’m sorry you had to suffer as long as you did based on a disastrously false premise, but I’m also glad you finally understood the value of healthy boundaries and claimed your value with your mother. I too did not understand the value of healthy boundaries until many years into my abusive marriage. Even then, when you’re dealing with a boundary buster, there is a time to let such people experience the consequences of their behavior, while acknowledging what is right and true in all of its fullness.
Jesus was never anyone’s doormat. His sacrifice was voluntary and never for one moment did His actions accommodate evil. He made it clear, saying, “For this reason the Father loves Me, because I lay down My life so that I may take it again. No one has taken it away from Me, but I lay it down on My own initiative. I have authority to lay it down, and I have authority to take it up again.” Luke 10:18-19
We honor God by refusing to allow wicked or foolish people to exploit our value – or our faith – for their own selfish purposes.
Thank you for sharing this. I know many will be strengthened and encouraged by it!
So true. Thank you so much, Cindy!
“Boundaries” changed my life too! I related to every word you wrote and to this day, re-read it from time to time as a refresher.
Yes, when I was writing this blog post, I thought “Hey, maybe I need to read that again!” Heh.
Rebecca, thank you for this labor of love.
May the Light of Jesus Christ continue to shine through you, and may the beauty of our Lord rest upon you always.
i so appreciate the comments I’m reading here, too. Glory to God!
Thank you so much, Dana, and the same to you!
I read the Boundaries book several years ago, and I must say that it was instrumental in giving me the language and behavior necessary to follow through in my abusive marriage. Maintaining my boundaries kept me and my family safe, and ultimately free from my abuser. To God be the glory!
Excellent post.Thank your for your ministry, Rebecca!
Amen and praise God!
Thank you Rebeca! I am reading the book, boundaries, again! What great timing! You gave a lot to think about.
Thank you for this. I am in the middle of reading Boundaries in Marriage now – so good! Learning more and more how important boundaries are. For years, I basically equated my lack of boundaries as some sort of virtuous/sacrificial act of “dying to self.” I couldn’t understand why it always seemed to backfire.
I’ve written about dying to self too, a 5-part series if I remember correctly. Here’s part one: https://heresthejoy.com/2017/07/dear-christian-your-marriage-is-not-supposed-to-kill-you/