Recently Desiring God published an article telling us that discontent is Satan’s trap against every woman (link). In the style of Screwtape Letters, author Rebekah Wilson Merkle offers “advice” from one demon to another. Here is a sampling:
Keep them looking at their husband’s failings (“he just doesn’t seem to even care about my needs”) and not their own heart.
If it happens that you can’t keep them from the book [the Bible] completely . . . keep all their thoughts focused on how their husband isn’t living up to the instructions the book contains.
You want to encourage friendships that will feed and pet the discontent, rather than uproot it. Even prayer groups and mentorships are fabulous places for this to happen. . . .
I wrote a response explaining how telling readers to be “content” in every relationship—even when “he doesn’t seem to even care about my needs”—can serve to keep a woman and her children in a highly abusive situation. Implying that mentors and prayer group friends shouldn’t listen to a woman tell about a troubled marriage because she’s being “discontent” will do the same. (I also communicated with someone at Desiring God about it.) But then a survivor of abuse from a patriarchal family wrote a response of her own and sent it to me. Since I believe her response is superior to mine and she graciously gave permission to quote it, I’m publishing it now. Here it is. When I lived at home with my parents, I used to write articles about contentment and joy. I saw that they were closely connected in the Scripture, and I desired to live out those characteristics of a Christian’s life. My father would often tell me that he was grateful for my contented, joyful spirit. He would proofread much of my writing and he agreed that I could say such things because they were true of my life. The years passed, and I began questioning the negative patterns, sinful behaviors, wrong attitudes, and hurtful actions of my parents toward others. Suddenly I was accused of being discontent. My questions were never answered; the responsibility to “have the right attitude” was put on my shoulders. I was told that if I continued to raise questions about serious issues in my family, I was being discontent and unsubmissive. The accusation of discontent was constant. So I began to study the sin of discontent in God’s Word with an open heart to determine if the charge against me was true. My study led me to understand that true contentment means to be at rest, characterized by peace and deep-rooted joy with the purposes of God. It is a satisfaction that God knows the needs of His children. To be content is to be controlled by the power of the Holy Spirit in each circumstance, trial, or hardship. But contentment does not mean resignation to or agreement with evil practices. Contentment does not mean complacency or willful ignorance. The conclusion I reached was that I was not discontent with God’s provision in my life. I always had everything I needed, and I was not pining away wanting things I did not have. I did not complain about wanting more than what I was given. I was actually quite content and grateful to the Lord for His provision in my life. My response to my parents was, “I have searched and studied the Scriptures, and I have asked God to show me my heart. I have asked Him to reveal truth.” I shared my heart with my parents: what I had discovered in God’s Word, my own satisfaction with what God had given to me, how I did not yearn after more things or complain about circumstances. I was transparent about my heart’s attitude. However, after careful study of God’s Word, I did recognize that there was something I should be “discontent” about. Sin. No Christian should ever be satisfied, accepting, or tolerant of the habitual sinning of others, especially if those sins are harming people. I shared with my parents that I was “discontent” with the sin in my family. Carefully and specifically, I stated the areas of direct disobedience to the Word of God that was occurring in the family. It wasn’t about a frustration with petty offenses or annoyances (such as dirty socks on the floor). The sins that I confronted were pornography, slander, vitriolic anger, malicious speech, control and manipulation, hypocrisy, and idolatry. Over the years, I’ve heard much teaching on the sin of discontent, and it often focuses mainly on letting go of petty grievances. But that falls into the category of forbearance, not contentment. In recent years, I’ve also noticed that those who are being severely abused and who question that abuse are charged with learning to be more content. “Suck it up and trust God with your trial. You need to learn contentment.” This is an unloving response to those who are in harm’s way, trapped, afraid, and desperate for life and freedom.
Content woman, from “Resistance,” a mini-drama set in WW2
With material like Rebekah Wilson Merkle’s article from trusted sources such as Desiring God, not only will abusers have more fodder to accuse their victims of “discontent,” but these accusations will come even from well-meaning people in the church who haven’t taken the time to study and find out what contentment really is, and with what circumstances we should never be “content.”
I urge Desiring God to distinguish
- the Christian principle of “contentment with necessary provisions” (see for example 1 Timothy 6:8) and the forbearance that Christians are to practice with human foibles, from
- a complacent acquiescence that refrains from acknowledging and confronting obvious sin.
No such distinction was made in their article. The implication instead was that any negative word about a woman’s relationship was an evidence of her “discontent.”
I urge Desiring God to extend the hand to women who may sound “discontent” but who are in fact struggling to come to terms with reality, facing off with wickedness they may have previously been unwilling or unable to admit.
This, after all, is not “discontent.” This is integrity. And for the church, it’s one more opportunity for compassion.
***
Go here to download your free Guide, How to Enjoy the Bible Again (when you’re ready) After Spiritual Abuse (without feeling guilty or getting triggered out of your mind). You’ll receive access to both print and audio versions of the Guide (audio read by me). I’m praying it will be helpful.
This is so good, kudos to the brave sister who wrote this! Many familiar issues of my own family life as well – adressing habitual sins and manipulative patterns is called ‘bitter’ and ‘angry’, whereas the perpetrators are given a free pass, in the name of ‘love’.
Contentment also does not mean we should not cry out to God for our (yet) unmet needs. So many in the Bible did, with good results.. Hanna was in fact pining away and greatly distressed for her childless condition, while her well-meaning husband tried to hush-hush her with a ‘sensible’ male response… ‘You have me, why do you need a child for?’
Or, the blind Bartimeus, who became the public embarrassment, and was told to shut up. Jesus never told him to be ‘content’ in his blindness! He granted him his sight, and I am sure He hears many of us, who are still facing lack, loneliness, rejection, and injustice.
It’s OK to be grateful for what we have, and still cry out for other unmet needs and areas of deep longing.
Those are good examples, NGI. When I wrote my original (unpublished) response, I looked at every Scripture that talked about contentment and saw that there are obvous parameters—Paul especially talked about being content with his circumstances as he pressed forward in doing the work of the Lord. But there are clearly times—even in relationships—that the status quo should be challenged.
I like her point that so much of the teaching on the sin of discontent focuses on petty grievances. It’s also a recurring characteristic that when a wife says, “My husband…” the automatic response is, “Hey, hey, take a look at your OWN heart!”
I too dealt with this suppressing teaching as a daughter, not a wife. The frustrating thing is that my household wasn’t nearly so sin-ridden. We had problems that could have been resolved by a trained listener and some good communication. Teachings like this blocked any kind of real resolution.
I love how she took to God’s word to search out the allegations against her “sinful discontent,” and came up vindicated. I wish I’d been that brave.
I don’t think as a teenager or early twenty-something it would have even crossed my mind to do this. But you know me, for going back to the Scriptures to test out what people are teaching! That was why I appreciated her response so much.
Isn’t Desiring God a publication put out by John Piper Ministries?
I ask, because his teaching/preaching is one of the people, who, in “A Cry For Justice” Ministries recommends NOT to read. Apparently, John Piper is a permanence view of marriage, teacher/preacher. I saw this particular article was not written by John Piper, but by another staff member, a woman.
I ask, because, when a Christian woman, tells other Christian women to “just be content” it can lead to hopelessness to the woman in the abuse. It’s amazing how many Christian women have such a judgemental attitude to women whose marriages fail, due to abuse. It’s so sad…
The article was written by Rebekah Wilson Merkle, daughter of Doug Wilson of Moscow, Idaho. She’s not on staff at DG, but is a regular contributor.
Desiring God as a ministry has a tremendous amount of influence on the church of Jesus Christ, and I want to continue to make appeals rather than cut myself off from them completely. There are so many Christians who receive teachings such as these without thinking through the ramifications. I continue to hope that if they only thought them through with open-heartedness . . . their hearts would change.
As a former abuse victim, as soon as I started reading Desiring God’s view of discontent, I began to get that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.
So, thank you, thank you, thank you for so beautifully distinguishing between self-centered discontent and the appropriateness of identifying sin. This exposé is sheer perfection.
Thank you for your encouragement, Cindy. It’s my prayer that leaders in these circles will listen.
Regarding discontented wives, sometimes when there is no evil in the situation a wife can be discontent because she feels her husband isn’t measuring up to the role that conservative Christianity has — overtly or implicitly — assigned to him. He’s not being a good enough leader. He is not great at conducting family Bible studies. Perhaps, God forbid, he is not manly enough!
In my case, looking back over the years of my married life, I see how the emphasis on the husband being the leader of the home (spiritually and otherwise), and the imperative that the wife submit to his leadership, had a negative effect on our relationship, subtle though it was. I looked to my husband for answers and help to a degree that I now think was constraining and unhelpful for him, and I can remember times of disappointment or perplexity when he failed to measure up to the role of a godly husband as defined by our church leaders and by popular Christian books.
(continued in next comment…)
Mercifully, some years into our marriage I realized the fallacy of this and came to a greater appreciation of the person that God had made my husband to be… a kind, quiet introvert, more comfortable In acts of practical service than in sermonizing, competitive sports or “leading” (the strengths of our pastors, to whom he was sometimes unfavorably compared).
I now celebrate who he is, with the gifts and talents that God gave him, and he does the same for me. Undoubtedly, neither one of us measures up to the complementarian “ideals” as put forth by TGC and Desiring God, but we are happy and content with who we are.
Thank you for these thoughts, happygal. I’m glad you found “contentment” in the way God made both of you!
Rebecca and other readers/ responders here;)
Wow I so wish I had seen this post a decade ago, I also wish I was the writer as its word for word what I have been through and still battling against.
I can’t tell you the number of times my mother told me I was the problem and how I was accused of not being content with the family system that has been created. She also told me these things about my marriage as I was a pain to be so discontent. Victims often do get accused of this over and over so it’s clear to me why we would be willing to acknowledge this as a survival skill.
I also confronted the serious hinderences of sin embedded into our family of origin system that all would rather pat and turn away as it’s not really there. Or better yet, it’s ‘not that bad’ motto.
Not only was I told over and over by my parents to be content and be grateful, but to be the bigger Christian and in reality they were training me on how not to deal or confront wrong doing, especially in our own family system.
So many people whom are professing Christians are so upset with the culture of our church and the results of what they see in the families and this generation but many do not want to take a long hard look at their own areas and motives for not confronting sin and being complacent in their own families.
I wish that this posting would have a follow up of how the writer’s parents responded to her invitation of truth and what was occurring in the family and how they plan to address it?
Thank you so much for writing, Freedom. This was why I found this article on Desiring God so very problematic. You’re so right!
I’ll ask the woman who wrote the majority of this post about a response to your questions about followup. Hopefully either she’ll address them herself or she’ll give me something I can post here in response. Thanks again!
Freedom, the woman I quoted in the post said she’d be glad to correspond with you. Write to me, and I’ll give you her email address. She also said the following:
“It has been ten years now that my parents have chosen to disregard every single one of the concerns I raised about sin in our family. In the past decade, they chose to dig in their heels even stronger and deny any wrongdoing, refuse to take responsibility for their sin, ignore every single issue and problem, and continue to blame me for every single thing that has gone wrong in our family. They have spent ten years telling me and other people that I am lying, rebelling against them, refusing to live in truth, ignoring the “clear teaching of Scripture” (I lost track of how many times i have heard that), and slandering them behind their backs. They have called me the prodigal daughter, and they believe that everything I have been concerned about is a strawman argument, a result of being discontent with being their daughter and with being created female. They have branded me a feminist and continue to call me to repentance for going against their authority and family structure. They say I am angry and being vindictive of them because I hate my life.
“There has been no resolution, no desire on their part to hear my heart. Complete and total refusal to see anything I said as truth.”
***
How I wish I could have written something different here. But I’ve been privileged to get to know this woman and am delighted to be able to say that she is a woman who has a heart to follow God through the power of the Holy Spirit, she lives in the New Covenant of Jesus Christ as His daughter, and she loves others and does what she can to protect them and show them the hands and feet of Jesus in supporting them both spiritually and physically. She also is married to a good man who loves and encourages her. So while there is much that is twisted and dark, there is also much to be thankful for.
I pray that God will speed you on your journey as well.
Hi Rebecca,
Thank you for posting here, and I will reach out to you via email also.
Wow~ if your original poster is reading the comments. I’m so sorry! Goodness how I can relate to such the upside down accusations.
So painful and yes Rebecca I do agree with the joy and the good things that can still be experienced.
As the writer highlighted, it really is a battle for integrity and when you have certain individuals that are this close to your heart and your soul ‘such as parent figures’, the unwillingness to admit or acknowledge is ‘almost beyond profound’!
ProFound that parents would claim a spiritual walk and yet be able to stand on such unwillingness of posture?
I agree with many points that point to the overall experience and result ~ one critical that she wrote and what I think the overall culture (& pop church culture) continues to promote
~’complacency acquiescence and refraining to acknowledge and confront obvious sin.’
Thank you again Rebecca for your words here and your encouragement. For those who have experienced and are ‘experiencing’ this type of grief & betrayal, it’s hard to find words to really define what’s taking place.
Thank you, Freedom. It’s not just what most would think of as “pop church culture,” though. It’s also in the strict groups who are purposefully trying to oppose what they see as pop church culture. This “refusal to acknowledge and confront obvious sin” is found in the groups whose women wear long modest dresses, whose church services consist of old hymns with a piano followed by long sermons, even sermons about obvious sins. The difference, of course, is which sins are taboo in that culture and which sins are acceptable. “Gossip,” of course would be taboo, but only gossip as they define it, which would mean, for example, a wife can’t “gossip” about a cruel husband (which means she can’t talk about him at all except to the head of the church), but if she leaves him, then “gossiping” about her is open season. This is one example of the double standards in such non-pop-culture churches.
Thanks Rebecca for correcting my phrase.
I think these things are everywhere and are hiding in all these tight type of cults and even in the more ‘casual non denominations of mainstream big church’.
I think it’s harder to see sometimes in the mainstream because it’s not as obvious to an outsider. If that makes sense. It’s a hypocrisy either way it’s looked at. I think that immaturity in the family system/ church cultures and consequences of minimizing injustice are core contributors. The fatherless generations reap.
Well done!
Several years ago my abusive husband held over my head that I had not truly forgiven him because I had “boundaries”. Much like the lady in your article, I actually went to God with an open heart and asked Him to show me what Scriptural forgiveness really meant. How faithful the Father is to show us His wisdom! The main revelation I had was forgiveness does not equal restoration.
Thank you, Rebecca, for your relentless fight for truth
Thank you, Dana, and I’m so glad the Lord led you into truth.
[…] It seemed an open-and-shut case for U.S. citizens of the 1940s that if you marry a Nazi your marriage can and should be annulled. How many Christians would have told Mary Longstreet she should have stayed married to the Nazi and submitted and tried harder and prayed more? How many would tell her she should just be content? […]
[…] In fact, it’s not at all uncommon for Christians who are ignorant of these evils to say something like, “We need to accept whatever God brings into our lives. Even abuse—God wants to teach us lessons through it.” (One of my many commentaries on this kind of thinking can be found here.) […]
[…] Jim Berg says that the primary cause of the noise in your soul is unbelief, because “you do not yet see that God Himself is more than enough for you.” If you have a noisy soul, you are discontent. (This accusation of “discontent” is one I and a guest writer covered in another blog post, “You just need to be content: a response to Desiring God.”) […]