Do you ever feel, when you watch a movie, that there was an underlying reason for it, maybe a bit of propaganda, so to speak, that it wanted to promote? It may be only a small part of the movie, but it makes a profound impact. (An example that come readily to mind is a 1944 drama about the life of Woodrow Wilson, the purpose of which seemed to me to focus on the death of Wilson’s dream, the League of Nations, in order to push American viewers to become more willing to enter the United Nations.)
I could be wrong, but that’s the way I felt when I listened to this sermon by Michael Vanlaningham from March 31st at Harvest Bible Chapel in the Chicago area. It seemed to me that the underlying reason, the bit of propaganda, began at about minute 25 when he began to focus on forgiveness.
Michael Vanlaningham, a former professor of Bible at Moody Bible Institute, is the new “Theologian in Residence” at Harvest Bible Chapel, part of the new “Central Leadership” team that is trying to pick up the pieces from the old leadership that has been falling apart. (I’ve written about HBC twice before, here and here, and you can read more about them and why they’re falling apart at www.julieroys.com and www.theelephantsdebt.com.)
Here is the pertinent part of the sermon (the headings for which you can conveniently see in the photo), from minutes 25-28.
Forgiveness has four implicit promises.
First, I promise I will not dwell on this incident. And those of us who are unforgiving, we just keep bringing it up in our minds all the time.
Second, I promise I will not bring up this incident and use it against you.
Third, I promise I will not talk to others about this incident.
Fourth, I promise I will not allow this incident to destroy our relationship. That is even after we forgive the most horrendous things, I think if there’s real forgiveness there, I think Jesus would give us the capability of being able to sit down and have a cup of coffee and eat a piece of pie with them and carry on a meaningful and kind relationship with them. I think real forgiveness involves that. You probably won’t be best friends, but I would hope that we would have at least the capacity to be courteous and cordial.
Now I just want to suggest I promise I will not bring up this incident and I promise I will not talk to others about this incident, that rules out social media. Listen up. Social media has become social mania. Blogging has become flogging. Tweeting is now beating. And Christians are doing that against Christians. If somebody does you wrong, you don’t go home and post about it on Facebook for your 1000 friends so it’s out there forever guys, it’s just wrong. That’s sin. It’s called slander. It’s called gossip. It’s called something we ought never to do to one another in the body of Christ and oh my goodness how we’ve gotten out of control with that stuff.
We have to learn to forgive.
This man may have been a professor of Bible at Moody Bible Institute. He may be the Theologian in Residence at Harvest Bible Chapel.
But he just made up all that stuff about forgiveness.
Those things are nowhere in the Bible at all, nor are they implicit in the definition of the word.
I do understand why he’d want to do it—social media has been alive with news of James MacDonald, recently-fired pastor of HBC, and his allegedly abusive narcissism, with one former employee after another after another offering first-person accounts of their awful experiences with him, and sometimes details about his shocking misappropriation of funds. It is truly sobering information.
And so, there’s damage control to do. In that context, it makes sense to send someone with clout out there to try to make forgiveness mean much more than it really does.
But it isn’t what the Bible teaches.
Furthermore, this teaching facilitates abuse and gives a free pass to abusers.
I’ve written about forgiveness before, most recently about the “forgive and forget” Scriptures, but such a blatantly unScriptural preaching by such a respected man in such a sensitive situation brings forward a good time to address it again.
First of all, what is forgiveness, Biblically? According to the meaning of the Greek word (which he never mentioned), it is simply an open-handedness to release a debt. In cases of “horrendous things,” to use Vanlaningham’s term, the debt could never be repaid anyway; it would be impossible. So the person who forgives determines not to execute vengeance.
But what if your business partner embezzled your company out of a million dollars? He spends it all and can’t repay it. You forgive him, releasing him from the debt, determining to take no vengeance. This is Biblical forgiveness.
But then you hear a friend talking about the possibility of starting a business partnership with that man. It would be wrong NOT to warn him. And that would involve talking to him about what had happened, which is Vanlaningham’s #3 above.
He even goes so far as to call it slander and gossip.
It is not.
Slander, legally, is making false statements about someone in order to purposely harm his or her reputation. Slander, Biblically, is wielding words like a weapon (like the “poison-arrow words” of Psalm 62:5) in order to harm someone.
Telling the truth about an offense in order to help others is not slander and is not gossip. Paul did that to Timothy regarding Alexander the coppersmith in 2 Timothy 4:14. Does this mean Paul was unforgiving? Or does it mean talking about the incident is unrelated to forgiveness? Just yesterday I helped someone post her story, naming her offender. Contrary to Vanlingham’s unBiblical definition, this is unrelated to forgiveness.
In Acts 2 Peter preached a sermon telling the Jews that they had “wickedly crucified” Jesus Christ. But this means Peter was “bringing up” the incident and “using it against” them, the very thing Vanlaningham warned against in his point #2. Was Peter being unforgiving? Or was he warning the Jews about their need to repent?
The book Tear Down This Wall of Silence: Dealing with Sexual Abuse in our Churches, by Dale Ingraham with yours truly, has a lot to say about forgiveness, based on the meaning of the word and the descriptions in the Bible.
It also quotes abuse survivors whose abusers used this unBiblical kind of “forgiveness” against them. Here’s one on page 47 of Tear Down This Wall of Silence, from a woman whose teacher at her Christian elementary school raped her in the supply room almost every day:
If I refused to forgive him, I would lose the 45-minute recess and have to stand at the wall. He would stand next to me as I faced the wall doing my time during recess and tell me I knew what I had to do to get off the wall [forgive him].
How could a man quote so many Bible verses to prove his point and guilt a child into proving she really forgave him day after day, week after week for a whole school year and each and every time molest or rape her again?
And, of course, that woman as a child was taught the definition of forgiveness that Michael Vanlaningham taught at Harvest Bible Chapel. And the abuser? He learned his lesson well too. From page 144:
Sexual offenders count it very important to emphasize the forgiveness of God. They want to use God’s grace as a type of force shield to protect their evil behavior, but in truth if the grace of God were at work in their lives at all, it would transform their lives toward godliness, not protect their sin.
After Vanlaningham gave that errant definition of forgiveness above, he told a moving story about John Perkins, Civil Rights leader who wrote about his sufferings at the hands of law enforcement officers in his book Let Justice Roll Down. Perkins found comfort in the sufferings of Jesus Christ and how He forgave His persecutors. God filled this man with a love for those who had treated him so cruelly.
It was a moving story, and a good representation of real forgiveness.
But I noticed that Perkins did indeed think about his persecution, perhaps “dwelling on it,” as Vanlaningham warned against. He did in fact speak about it to others, even the whole world, through his book. So Vanlaningham himself quotes a man who disproves his points.
And do you suppose Perkins would have sat down with his persecutors for coffee and pie? That part was just shocking to me. Vanlaningham referred to those who commit “the most horrendous things.” The person who commits the most horrendous thing against us is one we should be willing to sit down with for coffee and pie, he admonishes, irrespective of whether or not he has acknowledged his wrong.
This is making a travesty of the concept of forgiveness.
Again, forgiveness is a releasing of the debt while leaving vengeance to God. That is all. It does not preclude justice or warning others or trying to get help (all of which would necessitate talking about the offense).
I wish there were two different words, but what I call “heart forgiveness” is simply between you and God, letting go of the desire for vengeance. What I call “transactional forgiveness” is between you and the other person, and can happen only after the other person truly repents. After all, as Tear Down This Wall of Silence observes on pages 128 and 131:
First John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins.” Biblical confession means “agreeing with God about the sin.” Only when we confess—agree with God about our sin—does God extend forgiveness to us. . . . Though God stands with a posture of forgiveness for anyone in the world who will trust in Jesus Christ as his Savior, he doesn’t actually forgive until that person does confess, repent, and trust in Jesus.
I would love to quote more of the survivors’ compelling words about forgiveness from the book, but I’ll close with Rachael Denhollander’s now famous words about the important balance between forgiveness and justice in her statement at Larry Nassar’s trial.
You spoke of praying for forgiveness. But Larry, if you have read the Bible you carry, you know forgiveness does not come from doing good things, as if good deeds can erase what you have done.
It comes from repentance, which requires facing and acknowledging the truth about what you have done in all of its utter depravity and horror without mitigation, without excuse, without acting as if good deeds can erase what you have seen in this courtroom today.
The Bible you carry says it is better for a stone to be thrown around your neck and you thrown into a lake than for you to make even one child stumble. And you have damaged hundreds.
The Bible you speak carries a final judgment where all of God’s wrath and eternal terror is poured out on men like you. Should you ever reach the point of truly facing what you have done, the guilt will be crushing.
And that is what makes the gospel of Christ so sweet. Because it extends grace and hope and mercy where none should be found. And it will be there for you.
I pray you experience the soul crushing weight of guilt so you may someday experience true repentance and true forgiveness from God, which you need far more than forgiveness from me — though I extend that to you as well.
Michael Vanlaningham would have us believe that because Rachael violated all of his points above—every one of them, 1, 2, 3, and 4—her forgiveness wasn’t real. She has even talked about Larry Nassar on social media (“mania, flogging, beating,” to use the words of the sermon), which Vanlaningham would say is slander and gossip and evidence of lack of forgiveness.
But speaking about what an offender has done is unrelated to forgiveness. Rachael’s words have, in fact, continued to embody the important balance between forgiveness and justice, even as she now speaks about Christian leaders who have abused and covered for abusers.
Seeking justice, warning others, and trying to get help—these things are unrelated to forgiveness. Christians at Harvest Bible Chapel, and everywhere, would do well to remember that.
***
Go here to download your free Guide, How to Enjoy the Bible Again (when you’re ready) After Spiritual Abuse (without feeling guilty or getting triggered out of your mind). You’ll receive access to both print and audio versions of the Guide (audio read by me). I’m praying it will be helpful.
Absolutely, Rebecca. This gentleman just forfeited all of his credibility, in my eyes, and appears to be just another manipulator who uses scripture as a shield to hide wickedness, sin and abuse, then claims ‘forgiveness’ without genuine repentance.
Genuine repentance acknowledges the sin, makes restitution where possible and foregoes further wrongdoing. This is exactly what is missing at Harvest, and this man just joined in with the evildoers. It is a great shame.
This view of forgiveness is the core of what Ken Sande developed and has taught through Peacemaker Ministries, his books and materials, IBCD, CCEF, and othe Nouthetic counseling arenas. It is widely taught and accepted in Evangelical and Reformed circles.
Not surprising–I’ve been dealing with it, and writing against it, for several years. It is extra-Biblical, a strange irony from those who say they want to counsel with the Bible only.
This is the line that is so central to all of Harvest’s coverups, half truths and lies that has led them to the edge of extinction forever.
“Sexual offenders [or if I may say, abusers in general] count it very important to emphasize the forgiveness of God. They want to use God’s grace as a type of force shield to protect their evil behavior, but in truth if the grace of God were at work in their lives at all, it would transform their lives toward godliness, not protect their sin.”
Such a great article. I have you saved on my computer now so I can come read other posts you write.
My daughter was a victim of sexual assault and the offender always wants to hide, contain, manipulate and/or change the truth…and we live in a “post truth” era where people are willing to believe just about anything. She’s beginning to heal after a VERY difficult 4 year period of brokenness where the perpetrator got “friends” to cover for him…
I’m so, so sorry to hear about your daughter’s pain, and I do pray she’ll be able to heal. And your pain as well, as a father who cares about his daughter.
Living and walking in truth–that is, real truth–is part of what it means to be a Christian. It is beyond shameful that some who call themselves Christians don’t care about the truth. It is a travesty.
John- I notice how often those with unresolved forgiveness issues such as yours take their bitterness and hatred, rage and vengeance out on another who reminds them of the guilty person they hate.
Kristy, I see that you are making assumptions. You’re assuming that John has unresolved forgiveness issues; you’re assuming he is experiencing hatred, rage, and a desire for vengeance, when none of these things can be concluded from his comment that simply expressed truth.
Regarding bitterness, I urge you to consider that bitterness is not actually what you’ve been taught to believe it is. This lecture about it that I delivered at a conference in March may be eye-opening to you. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JvInP6LrPBM&t=521s
This article is incredibly timely. I am struggling with memories of people who did cruel things to me (no crimes). I have heard the tenets the errant preacher preached in other places before. I prefer your definition. I do believe Yeshua is telling me to take action, such as a cartoon on YouTube pointing out unacceptable behaviors from some ministers without correctly naming anyone. (Special contempt is heaped on 53 y/o, never-married and blunt single ladies.) Yet, who cares! Yeshua loves me! I can warn people to avoid ministries with the bad behaviors without naming the guilty party. (Legal reasons are in play here.) No decision about the next steps is final, but I personally have chosen to forgive for my peace, particularly since no crime was involved. I have to keep doing it again, but I want freedom. I have warned my church, and I intend to warn others. Oh, did I say that?! Yes! The errant theologian needs to look up the definitions you gave!!!
Resolve your personal issues with those you say harmed you. To assume Dr. V is the evil person this angry therapist says he is will not help your situation. She needs to repent her sin of malice. against Dr. V.
Kristy, if by “angry therapist,” you’re referring to me, I’d like to point out that i never said that the man you refer to as “Dr. V” was evil, and I actually didn’t think that either. I see that again you’re making assumptions (as you did in an earlier comment), both about me and about this commenter, Maggie. She called him an “errant theologian,” but that does not mean she thinks he’s evil.
You’re telling a woman you don’t know to “resolve her personal issues,” when she has stated that she has chosen to forgive the wrong that was done against her. I believe it’is wrong to stand in judgment against her in this way.
Regarding my “sin of malice,” I don’t know “Dr. V” personally and harbor no ill will toward him as a person, having never heard of him before I listened to this sermon. But I do analyze sermons regularly on this blog, pointing out where teachings are unScriptural and harmful, especially to those who have been abused and oppressed. There have been some significant wrong teachings about forgiveness circulating in the church of Jesus Christ, and this sermon seemed like a good opportunity to address them.
If you believe I need to repent of something I’ve said here, I’d appreciate it if you’d address the substance of my article instead of resorting to ad hominem attacks.
The “church” does not understand what Forgiveness looks like. The men (and women) that are teaching on this, are incorrect. They end up causing more harm. This is not who Christ is or what his Word says.
Yes, we are to forgive, we are commanded in scripture to forgive. Christ first forgave us.
Forgiveness does not mean Reconciliation.
These are 2 separate issues.
There is a Pastor/Counselor who has a fantastic grasp on forgiveness. Google: YouTube Learning to Forgive – Patrick Doyle
Yes, I’m familiar with Patrick Doyle and know that his counsel has been helpful to many.
Hi Rebecca,
This is a very well-written blog! If you check Ms. Roy’s twitter, you will surely see my name there. May I offer a personal story of forgiveness here on your beautifully well- written space?
Two years ago, I engaged in a conversation with my then 30 year old eldest son. It was a very respectful conversation, just 6 days before Christmas, and it lead into a discussion about Jesus as I sat there wrapping Christmas presents. Days later, I heard that my son was telling many people I was mentally ill and needed to seek help for what he said was “my love affair with an imaginary man who lived in the sky.” Shortly thereafter, he actually posted this on Facebook for even more people to read. He called his father, telling him I needed serious help for my “mental issues…” I finally confronted my son and I demanded an apology! Needless to say, he refused! We didn’t speak for the next 18 months.
During this time, I was not permitted to see my granddaughter and I missed the birth of our very first grandson. My heart was overflowing with anger, resentment, bitterness, and hatred as I cried too many nights in prayer! The bondage of everything mentioned above took residence in my heart and grew like a cancer that metastasized to all other areas of my life! My prayers went unanswered. I began to isolate other family members as this bondage hardened my heart. I even began to pray less often! Not being permitted to see my grandchildren became simply unbearable for me as time slowly moved on….
Last June….I made the ultimate decision to lay this all down at the foot of The Cross! I told my plans to Jesus, then I contacted my son and told him just how much I loved and missed him and his family! I asked if we can “just let this go and carry on”… he agreed! I met my grandson for the very first time shortly thereafter! My 4 year old granddaughter quickly jumped into my lap and hugged me for what seemed like forever! As this little child sat on my lap, she noticed the cross I was wearing around my neck. She grabbed my cross and cupped it in her tiny palm and said to me, “I love your “t” …” At that very moment, all bitterness, hatred, anger, and resentment disappeared from within my heart, and all my tearful prayers were finally answered as I heard without doubt….the tiny Whisper in the Whirlwind!
Almost another year has passed since then! I have yet to receive an apology from my son. There has been no act of repentance. And I know and have accepted that I may never receive this apology from him. But Jesus has been so very faithful to me in return! He has given me the opportunity to one day in the future… explain to my beautiful granddaughter just exactly what the “t” represents to me!
I love to pray at night Rebecca! Sometimes though, I do not know what to say to this Loving and Grace-filled Mighty King! Since last June, I sometimes simply speak or sing the lyrics in prayer to the following song ….
“ …From the corners of my deepest shame, The empty places where I’ve worn Your Name, show me the love I say I believe….Oh help me to lay it down, Oh Lord, I lay it down….”
“Oh let this be where I die, My Lord with Thee crucified…..Be lifted high as my kingdoms fall….once and for all…once and for all….” (Lauren Daigle)
The very Heart and Compassion of Christ is exposed while he lay beaten beyond recognition with (MY) spit dripping from His face, all while He struggled for every breath as He hung on that Cross and prayed softly and without malice for His executioners! Quite honestly, I cannot even comprehend this type of forgiveness which He willingly gave to even those who were slaughtering Him. I do know this for sure….not only did He go to the Cross for me, He also went to the Cross for my son! I’ve let it all go, laying it the Foot of the Cross, and believing and trusting in the Sovereignty of my Lord! And speaking of the Love I ask Him in prayer to show me in these empty spaces where I have worn His Name? I now see it staring back at me through the eyes of my grandchildren!
Thank you Rebecca for allowing me to share my personal story of forgiveness on your blog!
Kathy
This is a beautiful story of forgiveness. Thank you for sharing it.
Thank you for sharing it Rebecca! Forgiveness requires only one person and it is the most powerful thing a believer can do to heal deep wounds! Unlike God who provides forgiveness when we repent, humans cannot demand repentance before granting forgiveness. Scripture demands us to be forgiving. Forgiveness truly sets us free to carry on with life, and it refuses to allow the person who hurt you to have any power over your life! Likewise, unforgiveness does not hurt the perpetrator at all, it only hurts you. I will pray.
I believe the “heart forgiveness” I described above is important for every believer to do. That’s not the same as “transactional forgiveness,” which comes after repentance.
You can forgive your son (heart forgiveness) for his cruel words, and you choose to overlook his actions for the sake of your relationship with your grandchildren. That’s very good. But some people–even after experiencing heart forgiveness–cannot simply overlook the actions of those who harmed them, because, for example, their children could be in danger. Sexual predation within the family is a thing, and it’s a thing in the lives of many of the people I interact with.
Exactly right. There is a difference between forgiving someone and trusting them, between forgiving someone and pretending that all’s well, between forgiving and forgetting. Obviously, Kathy should not trust her son to be wise or decent at this stage in his young life; his behavior was really shocking. It’s one thing for an ignorant atheist to flame a stranger on the internet, it’s another to attack your parents and question their sanity and try to rally others around your point of view because of their faith–deeply disturbed, infantile behavior. He seems like a very confused young man who probably has no idea that he made a fool of himself and went down several notches in the eyes of many when he behaved that way (not that that cannot change in the future).
Of course, her relationship with him cannot be as intimate as it would be if he were to humble himself and grow up and grow a sense of ethics. She should also not bring other children to him for advice on basic human decency. He’s not there yet.
Thank you Mike! Your words brought tears to my eyes! My son really is a wonderful person! I believe you would really like him! Honestly, He just has not found the foot of the Cross yet, but I keep praying !
Kathy
Dear Rebecca,
Thank you so much for your willingness to continue in our conversation. I write back to you, with all due respect….your beautiful blog and insightful, truthful writing far exceeds my theological understanding, this I must admit.
My personal story you so lovingly shared on your blog and with your readers only represents one of my life stories of forgiveness over my 55 years. There are many more…but I hate to focus on myself unless I truly feel it will possibly benefit at least one other person who stumbles upon its words.
Forgiveness does not mean that any wrongs done against you were acceptable…
Forgiveness does not decrease the evil done to you…
Forgiveness does not take away consequences your perpetrator will face because of his/her sin…
Forgiveness does not wait for the offender to repent. God provides forgiveness when we repent, but humans cannot demand repentance before granting forgiveness…
I never expected anyone else to “overlook any action” that caused them harm….The first issue is safety foremost and always, therefore forgiveness does not require overlooking or minimizing any harmful actions.
Continuing in a state of unforgiveness only hurts the victim, it is a cancer that will grow, metastasize, and destroy….
And I wonder what your advice would be to those victims who have perpetrators who will never repent of their sins? Do/should their victims’ hearts remain trapped in this bondage forever?
Much Blessings!!!
Kathy
I believe that forgiveness is important, as Jesus indicated it is, and as I would hope my blog post indicated. (I’ve helped victims of heinous abuse come to a place of forgiveness, for the freedom of their own hearts to continue in healing.) I just don’t believe forgiveness is what this man said it is.
I do not know what man you are referring to … absolute truth is Christ and Christ alone …. His command of forgiveness is all I follow …. and it’s the hardest and most excruciating command I’ve ever had to live in this life and I fail at all His commands daily! But I thank you so much for conversing with me and for your hard work with victims of heinous crimes finding forgiveness and breaking free of that bondage! Surely, your work will not go unnoticed and will be rewarded in HIS Kingdom ! Again, thank you for simply speaking to me !
Kathy
I was referring to the man whose teaching was the subject of this blog post, which perhaps you read before writing your comments? Thank you for speaking with me as well.
Hi Rebecca,
I haven’t visited in a while but I just found your reply. I actually did read your blog post, though it’s unfortunate you believe I might not have. I try to compare everything I read to the Word of God, which in this case, the main theme of your blog, was regarding forgiveness. The standard I follow regarding forgiveness is the forgiveness I find only in Scripture. It’s very difficult to live by this standard of forgiveness, isn’t it? I have, like I may have already mentioned, forgiven many people and His church over my lifetime….including a Baptist father who committed adultery and abandoned me, my younger brother, and my mom…..and a loving and caring brother who came out of the closet and was abandoned not only by our family, but also our church….that’s just to name a few. Many decades have passed since then, but the main occurrence/issue I personally have witnessed through all my years of loving Christ…. are Christians behaving badly! Christians behaving in a way that the unbelieving world will take a giant step backward and turn away from Jesus. This whole circumstance is causing me sadness. I really need to live my own advice and let it all go! I have been called a son of perdition, a narcissistic, and have brothers and sisters in Christ who deny me my own seat at His table! There is so much anger and hatred where HBC is concerned, it’s palpable. It may even destroy those who intend it for good! I pray for the unbelievers who stumble upon this whole mess…..yet I will continue to trust in the Sovereignty of God! Christ will reconcile this whole mess someday……
Kathy
Yes, it’s been very sad. I also love the Lord Jesus and very much want to live by what the Scriptures tell us. I agree about Harvest Bible Chapel, in the sense that James MacDonald has been an angry man, the likes of which the Scriptures teach shouldn’t be an elder in a church, in the sense that he has displayed his anger against those who are under him, rather than at evil, which, according to the example of Jesus, merits anger.
I sometimes comment on “Christians behaving badly” on this blog, but much more often examine the teachings that support and excuse the bad behavior and blame the targets of the bad behavior instead of blaming the perpetrators.
As far as the unbelievers go, they have observed the hypocrisy anyway, and one former unbeliever became a Christian because as she and I talked, she found out that Jesus was not like what she had been taught (teachings similar to the ones I critique on my blog). Another unbeliever said to me, “If I ever become a Christian, it will be because of people like you.”
I pray that you’ll find peace and joy in the Lord and in the company of those who believe in Jesus Christ who follow Him with their whole hearts. Peace to you.
Seems to me the real flogging and beating going on is Michael Vanlaningham flogging and beating victims who dared to share their stories with another, even if they did so explicitly to protect others–those who dared to do what the Bible does pretty much from cover-to-cover. Some of these victims will now feel crashing guilt because of his smug little sermon. Bravo, Michael! Never let a good opportunity to beat a victim who’s curled up in pain already go to waste. Of course not, that would be so un-James MacDonaldesque.
Seems that Michael’s main problem is with Jesus, who spoke of whispers in inner rooms (or recorded in inner rooms) being shouted from rooftops–and I sure don’t recall Jesus condemning that as sin. Michael, if you’re reading this (and you’re probably not), your beef is with Jesus, take it up with Him. We’re just the messengers.
Seems to me someone is confused about what forgiveness is and what reconciliation is.
Forgiveness means simply that you don’t use the offense as a weapon against them and are cordial when you run into them.
Recently someone who is about to become family demanded I do some stuff for them when I wasn’t physically capable. I did what I could but it wasn’t enough for them and they started sending me guilt trippy messages in the middle of the night. I no longer speak to them regularly. I am going to take a gift to their bridal shower in 10 days and be happy. I am going to take a gift to the wedding 3 weeks later and be happy. I am not going to continue meeting them one or more times a week to hang out. I will not try to bludgeon them with their actions or try to guilt trip them. That is foregiveness.
Reconciliation is where you are able to have the same close relationship as you did before the offense. But in order for there to be reconciliation, the issue must be addressed. The person who committed the offense must recognize the problem and be willing to work on whatever it is that needs to change. Granted sometimes it turns out no one was really at fault when you talk it all out and then what do you know everything is fine. But most times trust has been broken. Trust needs to be rebuilt over time through baby steps. Asking someone who has been knee capped physically, emotionally, or mentally to run into the arms of the person who hurt them is just as realistic as asking a toddler to win the olympics. Christians who expect this out of victims, perpetrate a second abuse on the victim.
Wow, that is so spot-on! “Christians who expect this out of victims, perpetrate a second abuse on the victim.” YES! Amen! Thank you!
I was taught this version of forgiveness over and over by my abusive dad (of course!) and by well-meaning but ignorant Christian leaders in our church. It took me a long time to figure out the truth because I saw the contradictory nature of pressure to restore (or ignore) a destroyed relationship in the absence of repentance.
Sigh. We Christians have a warped view of forgiveness
After both my husband and I listened separately today, we agreed there were quite a few things Dr. Vanlaningham said that raised red flags.
A soon as I saw the “Forgiveness is Four Promises” list I knew I’d heard it before. It came directly from page 209 of the book, “The Peace Maker”, by Ken Sande. (“Unforgiveness is the poison we drink, hoping others will die” is from page 208 of the same book.) It’s been a few years, so I would have to go back and read the book in order to know how much of the rest of Dr. V’s sermon is related to the Peacemaking Ministries model.
The pastor of a church we left is a “Level 4 Conflict Resolution Mediator” of Peacemaker Ministries. Every 2-3 years that church has everyone go through “The Peace Maker” materials. (Ironically, since they started using those materials many strong, mature believers have left that church because of the lack of healthy conflict resolution.) As far as reconciliation goes, many people believe “The Peace Maker” model strongly favors church leadership.
I highly recommend this excellent resource: “The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse ~ Recognizing and Escaping Spiritual Manipulation and False Spiritual Authority Within the Church”.
Yes, that’s an excellent book for sure, thank you.
And that’s very interesting that people left that PeaceMaker church because of lack of health conflict resolution! I’ve certainly seen that myself in other churches that use The PeaceMaker process. Its lack of Biblical understanding of forgiveness is one of the main problems, I’m sure.
Sharon
Interesting comment that this HBC sermon has roots in the Ken Sande Peacemaker teaching. That wouldn’t surprise me if it did.
One concern I have with the Ken Sande’s Peacemaker teachings is what I believe is the initial agreement to confidentiality if you want to enter into their process. That is you aren’t allowed to discuss any of this. Perhaps this confidentiality makes sense but I am sure not in all cases and especially with the sins of supposed leaders of the body of Christ.
People need to know if leaders have sinned and abused their power etc.
Yes, very true. Just like in the New Testament the apostles had no problem publicly declaring that the Jewish leaders were responsible for the death of Jesus Christ.
“Again, forgiveness is a releasing of the debt while leaving vengeance to God. That is all.”
It’s easy to say, but hard to do. Maybe the hardest thing for Christians. A comprehensive discussion on forgiveness is beyond the scope of a blog post or 3 minutes of a sermon.
There’s nothing wrong with what Dr. V said. He was trying to help people in his flock with markers that MAY indicate they are being unforgiving. They weren’t presented as absolutes, but potential red flags, which they are.
“Seeking justice, warning others, and trying to get help—these things are unrelated to forgiveness.” Of course, if indeed these are the real motives. Unfortunately, what we often see masquerading as these are really vindictiveness, slander and anger. That’s where the rubber meets the road. What’s the TRUE motivation?
As Dr. V said, we see this played out on social media all the time. Just follow Julie Roys’ comments (a lot of them anyways.) Not a lot of grace there. Instead, what we see is a lot of anger and assumptions about motives, of which the commenters have no clue about. It’s similar to the tone of this blog post.
By the way, I’m not a Dr. V apologist. I just see this post as yet another that jumps to conclusions and makes accusations with no basis in fact. Kind of proving his points…
“Forgiveness has four implicit promises.” Those were his words, an unqualified statement. Perhaps he didn’t mean it that way, but that’s what he said.
I know many people who were victimized in heinous ways by sexual abusers. When I first began hearing their stories, I didn’t even know people would treat each other in such a way. (Well, the Nazis, of course, but nobody else.) I was very foolish.
A number of these people I know intimately, and I can say that for several of them I know for sure they have released to the Lord any desire for vengeance. They truly want their abusers to repent and come to Christ and be delivered of their sin.
But, like Rachael Denhollander, they do want to help others be safe. They believe it’s important to have a just society. And many of them just need help from someone who can assure them that this is not the heart of God. (Sometimes that’s hard, since many of their abusers were Christian leaders.)
When someone talks about forgiving “horrendous things,” this is at least one of the kinds of things he’s talking about. But his description of forgiveness doesn’t really hold up according to Scripture.
The problem, Steve, is that his words could really have the effect of hurting people badly who’d experienced abuse from MacDonald or others on his team. Imagine a child who was abused by a leader there, or by MacDonald himself. As it turns out some of the abuse going on at Harvest was sexual and against at least one minor, was it not? Imagine an abused child tells his or her parents and warns some friends to stay away from the abusive person. They do so because they are desperate to protect others and because they need to get things off their chest.
Now imagine this child is present to hear Dr. V, and they’re told that they have not truly engaged in forgiveness if they told anyone else–what they did was “slander”. They are terrified of their abuser and become physically ill when they even think of them, much less get near them. To have a cup of coffee with this person would cause a breakdown–so by Dr. V’s definition, they also have not forgiven, they are “bitter”. They understandably have PTSD, they have flashbacks that terrorize them. But Dr. V said if they dwell on it, they have not forgiven. If they happened to warn others via social media, which all young people spend ample time on today–why they have flogged their abuser and beaten them. Dr. V said so.
Now what are they going to think? Are they going to be built up in Christ having heard Dr. V speak? Or are they going to feel like broken glass inside, feel like they’ve been violated again?
You better answer that. If you come back and see this (and aren’t just another tiresome, sing-songy hit-and-run scold) and claim to have integrity, you have to. And you better have a good answer.
Thank you. And thank you again. In the NASB translation 1 Corinthians 5:9-12 pretty much cancels out having coffee with immoral people.
Very good point!
Thank you! I especially love verse 11: “But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people.”
Rebecca
I wonder how large of an honorarium HBC leadership gave this speaker to try and stop exposure of all that has occurred at HBC including James MacDonald’s antics how leadership supported and enabled MacDonald.
Thanks for pointing all of this out. It is shocking that someone can say with a straight face that sharing a leader’s sins and unrepentance is wrong or “gossip” or “slander.” Especially disturbing is just how ignorant this person is of the definition of “slander.”
It is sad to see that current HBC leadership is still on the path of denial and refusing to confess and forsake their past sins including those of James MacDonald. I wonder if Michael Vanlaningham has ever read this passage of scripture
“LORD our God, you answered them; you were to Israel a forgiving God, though you punished their misdeeds. “(Psalm 99:8)
Does Vanlaningham have any concept of consequences for sin?
Also, if nothing else HBC needs to do an analysis of what allowed a narcissistic leader to prevail for so long unchecked. Keeping quiet about this won’t allow that understanding to happen. If you don’t understand what was done wrong in the past then chances it will repeat in the future.
Very true points.
Absolutely, well written . Forgiveness is two step process: release the offence to God and do not seek revenge, but restoration of the relationship requires genuine repentance and restitution. We actually do a diservice to the abuser by covering up his offence. It encourages other abusers and creates a climate of fear and intimidation.
Yes, I agree, and the New Testament testifies the same.
Where does it say transactional forgiveness in the Bible?
It doesn’t. That’s just my own term, as I indicated in the blog post.
Those 4 parts of forgiveness come from the nouthetic or biblical counseling movement. They were pressed on me, I had to memorize them, and demanded of me during counseling with my destructive husband. He just had to say a weak “I’m sorry” in front of the counselor and then I had to follow the rules or I would be “sinning”. And the sin of “unforgiveness” automatically meant I was bitter, which was swiftly condemned. I also had to act as if everything was peachy keen and my destructive husband got a business as usual free pass and access to all the perks of a healthy marriage, which was devastating to me.
I’m so sorry this happened to you, Dawn.
Thank you, Rebecca, for taking the time to identify and dispel the lies Mr. V. seeks to impose upon God’s beloved children. It sickens me to consider how many may suffer or are held captive to such ridiculously false and damaging teachings. I cannot help but wonder how these people continue to get away with this stuff…
Beautifully written, beautifully stated. Thank you for promoting the truth in the face of clear untruth!
In case it is allowed, and in case it helps others, a book that really encouraged me about the subject of forgiveness is – Forgiveness: Not Necessarily What You Think by Sister Renee Pitelli.
Well done article. I was on a Board with a senior pastor who was involved with serious sexual sin, was caught, denied it, then required to resign with overwhelming evidence. He then quoted Psalm 51 to us, leaves town, blows off accountability, and is in another church ministry as a senior pastor within a few months. His former church will not expose him, places that responsibility on his later churches for not doing their background checks thoroughly. Forgiveness does not override the Biblical qualifications of being a pastor or erase the accountability of either that pastor or his former church’s failure to warn to protect another’s flock, even if that flock is located on the other side of the State.
So, did they not expose his evil deeds in the name of “not gossiping”? That “forgive and don’t gossip” is the one-two punch of abuse enablement in the church.