Before the Rachael Denhollander news stories, before the Turpin family tragedy broke, I received a letter from a young woman, Lyndall Cave, sending me a Desiring God article called “Do You Love Yourself Enough?” (link).
She said,
[One book I’m reading] talks a lot about loving yourself. Every time I read that phrase, I flinch, because my theology in the past has been based on the idea that I’m sinful and thus there’s nothing about myself to love. This article from Desiring God [“Do You Love Yourself Enough?”] sums up the viewpoint perfectly.
But what about God’s grace? What about the work of Jesus on the cross, that purifies us, and our new natures now that we’re in Christ? I’m conflicted at the moment. Where does self-love fit with the Gospel? Am I sinful? Am I a worthless worm? Is there really nothing good in me? What about “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made”?
Basically there’s a voice from my teen years telling me I’m worthless and sinful, and there’s nothing in me that I (or God) should love. I know that’s wrong, but I don’t know WHY it’s wrong. I’m writing to you because you’re good at untwisting scriptures and I respect your insights into grace and living under the New Covenant.
During the past few weeks, with many other things going on, my mind and heart have continued to return to this question. I know it’s a big one for a lot of people.
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This article has now been truncated because it has been editing and incorporated into the book . You can find that book here.
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Go here to download your free Guide, How to Enjoy the Bible Again (when you’re ready) After Spiritual Abuse (without feeling guilty or getting triggered out of your mind). You’ll receive access to both print and audio versions of the Guide (audio read by me). I’m praying it will be helpful.
Thank you for this review of the ins and outs of self-love. Much to ponder.
Is it possible the author of the article, Desiring God, was coming from the perspective of I Timothy 1:15. Paul isn’t espousing his sonship; though he begins the scripture with hope—Jesus came to save sinners! Sadly, he ends the scripture that he “is” (not was) the chief sinner.
I like your perspective of we are God’s beloved sons and daughters. Love does take relationship, and being in a love relationship with oneself is lonely.
As I read the excerpts from the offending article, I wish I had background on why the person wrote what they did—what grievance or sin had they witnessed or been subject to by a narcissistic unrepentant believer.
I think I understand what the person was trying to convey if he/she is dealing with people who are too unconcerned by their own sinful behavior (reminiscent of antinomianism)… his/her hope, maybe, was to get the lover of self to see that there is sin which needs to be dealt with. So, much like Paul, the author drove home the point that we are sinful and we need to see it and repent.
Your illustration of a well loved child knowing their value is spot on! God created and loves us and that makes us valuable. His love is the reason we can truly love. Hopefully if the article writer reads your response they will bring their thoughts on the matter full circle, and end it where it always begins: God loves.
I like your perspective; keep writing!!
I did do an analysis of I Tmothy 1:15 a while back. I have a different take on it from the one you offered. https://heresthejoy.com/2017/03/four-ways-teaching-christians-to-embrace-im-the-worst-sinner-i-know-is-harming-the-church/
This is so good! I’ve been concerned about how some Christians talk as though we’re still unredeemed sinners (CJ Mahaney’s classic “I’m the worst sinner I know” is one of the worst). There is a real gap in some people’s understanding of the Gospel that makes it like fire insurance to keep you out of Hell, but not something to radically transform you (by GOD’s power, not yours) in your day-to-day life.
Thanks for speaking truth!
Joel Horst, I agree with you. It is frustrating to hear “worship songs” that drag us through the mud, wallowing in our pre-conversion, pre-redemption state. It is also surprising that some “worship leaders” seem to see no problem in those lyrics.
Thank you, Rebecca! I also was raised with the worm theology and anti-self love. But the last few years I have been challenged with the know thyself-know God connection and self love/acceptance. I believe that being human isn’t intrinsically bad (or evil, depending on who you listen to) as Jesus himself chose to be fully human and showed us how to be so as well. I am trying to see how the goodness and value that God created in us as humans and our absolute need for redemption can co-exist, without denying either. Even as a life-long Christian I struggle with loving myself, as it feels indulgent and unbiblical. But how do I live into all of who God made me to be if I am not worthy of my own acceptance? How do I accept the love of others if I don’t believe I am love worthy? I appreciate your courage in addressing these deep questions, which the church fears or even prohibits and shuns. There is freedom here.
I don’t need to love myself. I tried for many years–and failed. God loves me. His love is enough. 🙂
You are valuable and precious to Him.
this is soooo wonderful! thank you for this! I am recovering from “I am a horribly depraved sinner” theology that kept me in my emotionally abusive marriage for 12 years. We are separated now and while I’ve come a long way I still struggle as I have a mother who tends to project an awful lot of guilt on me that I unfortunately still absorb.(example- for her some of my needed boundaries during our separation are seen as selfish)
My separation has really helped me see the truth and the twisted lies I was caught up in and I have found so much healing by coming to know how valuable and precious I am to the Lord! But now I am struggling with more guilt as I struggle with whether or not to reconcile as my husband has shown some effort in changing.. It has been about a year and he wants us to walk the path of reconciliation now since he is a changed man and wants to show me he is a changed man. Would I being selfish and loving myself too much if I chose not to reconcile? I don’t wish him harm I just have no desire to be close to him again.
These are important thoughts, Onmyway. Here is another post about the “horribly depraved sinner” mindset: https://heresthejoy.com/2017/03/four-ways-teaching-christians-to-embrace-im-the-worst-sinner-i-know-is-harming-the-church/
The reconciliation question is an important question. For right now, I’d like to refer you to others who have blogged at length about this question. Here are Leslie Vernick’s blog posts about reconciliation: https://www.leslievernick.com/tag/reconciliation/ And here are blog posts about reconciliation from A Cry for Justice: https://cryingoutforjustice.com//?s=reconciliation&submit=Search
One thing to remember is that forgiveness and reconciliation are *not* the same thing. You can forgive someone—release them from their debt and wish the best for them (such as repentance and restoration with the Lord)—without trusting them again until “fruits of repentance” have been demonstrated. Many abusers will say that they can’t show fruits of repentance until you reconcile, but this isn’t true. I hope the blog posts above will be helpful.
This isn’t about being selfish and isn’t about “loving yourself too much.” It’s about safety and wisdom. I wish you all the best and pray that you have safe people in your life with whom to work through the challenges of this relationship.
A friend recommended me to your blog and I have been reading up all the posts for the past 6 months. i have been very reluctant to post my comment as I fear my husband finding out. My marriage was a sham almost from the begining. My husband gave up his well paying job about 2 years after we got married and just stayed at home. He did not seem to be looking out for jobs although I was facing tremendous amount of bullying at my workplace and became depressed as a result of the bullying. Then we moved to another state as I found myself a decent job. My husband moved state to be with me but he never found a job. Some he said were too menial for him as he has a good college degree. Now 20 years later he still has no job.
What I did not know during courtship was that he had an addiction to porn. When I suggested counseling he refused saying that he could give up his habits but he obviously could not. He has become more and more degenerate in this area as the years wore on. I am not sure why I stayed on with him but it could be because of my son who had a pretty good relationship with him. Soon after my son was born my husband detached himself from me and preferred porn to me. He has had relationships with other women too. i cannot trust my husband and dread to think that I have to live with him “till death do us part”.
I have read many books on the subject of marriage and most encourage submission and forgiveness. Over the years I wondered if God had abandoned me. I married my husband as he proclaimed to be a Christian. I had rejected many non-believers suitors as I wanted to follow God. Even as I write I wonder if God really wants me to leave or just stay on in a loveless marriage. If I stay my husband will continue to take advantage of my earnings. He refused to consider divorce when I asked him. My husband’s sister who is a Christian advised me to stay on in the marriage and serve God saying that a loveless marriage is no big deal considering what Jesus has suffered and endured for us.
I had planned to do this initially as I have been married for 2 decades and did not see the logic in leaving at this stage of my life in my fifties. But somehow for reasons I cannot pinpoint, I have started to feel very restless and question if God could have something better for me. I have lost my self esteem and feel very unworthy and I need to know God loves me.
Cara
Dear friend~ Thank you for sharing your heart here. I’d like to recomment a couple of books. One is “Unholy Charade: Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church,” which you can see in the side column of this blog or on the “My books” page. The other is “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage” by Leslie Vernick. If you’re able to read either or both of these books, I encourage you to ask the Lord to show you what He has for you and what He wants you to do. Marriage is not supposed to be a symbol of Jesus Christ dying on the cross, though that’s what a destructive marriage can be. It’s supposed to be a symbol of Jesus Christ in loving relationship with His Church.
I came to your blog by one of those rabbit trails that an lazy afternoon at the computer sometimes takes you, and I must say I like your writings, even though it is sometime very disturbing (but important!) subjects you write about. But the reason I comment is this:
I’ve been encouraged by others to use books from Desiring God in homeschooling our teenage boys, but felt reluctant and uncomfortable about it, without being able to pinpoint why. Reading this blog post has helped me straighten out my own arguments for letting those books stay on the shelf. Thank you!
Thank you for leaving a comment, Erika. I do believe DG has some good material, and I know that back in the 1990s, “The Pleasures of God” was a book that profoundly influenced me for good. But it seems that in some ways the teachings have gone in directions that can lead people to think things about God and themselves that are not helpful.
Rebecca, these explanations of how to love yourself are so important. Thank you for your careful reading, thinking, and teaching.
Thank you, David.
From a reader:
“This post was pivotal in my life when you first wrote it. I had never been encouraged to see myself as valuable, I was taught to mistrust any idea of being good in any way, that who I was could only be sinful, selfish and broken. Thank you. Now I’m working through seeing myself and the people around me with a different lens than the one taught by DG and other similar organizations.”
First of all, John piper used to be one of my favourite preachers until I saw him interviewed on YouTube when he was asked if Christians should celebrate Halloween and his response was that he didn’t see a problem with it.
I am an SRA survivor, satan‘s main goal in this type of abuse is to dishonour God and to dishonour me, to bring shame. It’s my identity in Christ that gives me value as well as the fact that I am fearfully and wonderfully made by God. I’m over 70 years of age and I still can’t look at myself in the mirror – that is the enemy’s doing. Condemnation/self condemnation comes from the enemy. Scripture says that God is love. If we are supposed to love our neighbours as ourselves, to me that sounds pretty clear because you can’t love your neighbour with a narcissistic love. I need to learn to see myself through God‘s eyes because God’s love is perfect and I can’t accomplish that without God’s help. There is nothing that I can accomplish without God.
Yes, so true. Many Christians don’t understand anything about satanic ritual abuse, or that it even exists. I pray that more will be willing to understand.
Thank you for this article. I struggled for a long time with this same dilemma. The Theology that tells me that I am unworthy and that there’s nothing in me to love. This was especially challenging because I came from a non-Christian background, so the idea that I can only be loved in Christ was a challenging stumbling block to get over. I also experienced abuse and abandonment form the people who should have been there to love me.
I struggled deeply with self-hatred for years, and only now in my 30’s am I learning healthy self-love. I still remember people telling me to love myself, including a college professor, (a lapsed Catholic), who saw how discouraged I was upon graduation. Others told me that as well, but I brushed it off as, “well, they’re not believers, so what do they know?”
I can still hear the preachers on the radio station, that I constantly listened to during those years, saying the same things constantly. “Love yourself” is not biblical.
But then, even my Christian friends turned away from me, when they saw what deep darkness I lived in. I knew something was wrong, when the very people who preached against self-love and “happiness” were repelled by my self-hatred and unhappiness.
I drove myself into a deep hole. My life collapsed. That’s when I knew I needed to learn to love myself. Paradoxically, it was in learning to receive that I became better able to give.
What a profound story. Thank you so much, Lila. I’m so thankful that you’ve been able to see the truth.