Should You Love Yourself? A Response to Desiring God

Before the Rachael Denhollander news stories, before the Turpin family tragedy broke,  I received a letter from a young woman, Lyndall Cave,  sending me a Desiring God article called “Do You Love Yourself Enough?” (link).

She said,

[One book I’m reading] talks a lot about loving yourself. Every time I read that phrase, I flinch, because my theology in the past has been based on the idea that I’m sinful and thus there’s nothing about myself to love. This article from Desiring God [“Do You Love Yourself Enough?”] sums up the viewpoint perfectly.  

 But what about God’s grace? What about the work of Jesus on the cross, that purifies us, and our new natures now that we’re in Christ? I’m conflicted at the moment. Where does self-love fit with the Gospel? Am I sinful? Am I a worthless worm? Is there really nothing good in me? What about “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made”?  

 Basically there’s a voice from my teen years telling me I’m worthless and sinful, and there’s nothing in me that I (or God) should love. I know that’s wrong, but I don’t know WHY it’s wrong. I’m writing to you because you’re good at untwisting scriptures and I respect your insights into grace and living under the New Covenant.  

During the past few weeks, with many other things going on, my mind and heart have continued to return to this question. I know it’s a big one for a lot of people.

The Scriptures

There are two main Scriptures used in the “to love or not to love yourself” arguments, both of which are referenced in the Desiring God article.

This is the primary one on which “love yourself” arguments are based:

Matt 22:39  And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.  

And this is the primary one on which “don’t love yourself” arguments are based:

2 Tim 3:1-5   But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good,  treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people.  

Do these Scriptures sound a bit like they’re working against each other?

Yes, I felt the tension too.

What I believe the Bible is teaching about love of self

Here’s a true fact about love.

Love is meaningless without relationship.

That first Scripture above, the one in Matthew? That’s part of a larger teaching of Jesus about loving God and loving others. Someone asked Jesus,

“Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?”    

And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment.   

And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.”  

Very first: Love God.


But wait!

If we look elsewhere, we see that something else comes even before that. First John 4:19 says,

We love because he [God] first loved us.  

So first, God loved us, beginning the relationship (or at least the offer of relationship, variously viewed according to various theologies). Then as His love poured down and we received it, we loved Him in return—how could we help but love Him in return, when His love is vast as an ocean and overwhelmingly good and powerful enough to transform us into new creations in Christ? (This is a thought to bask in, and here’s a song to help you do it.)

Love, any love that is good, is born only in relationship.

So there are two kinds of “love of self.”

One kind of “self love” sees oneself in safe and mutual relationship

You see yourself in relationship to a God who loves you with an overwhelming, glorious, fully gracious love. He whispers to you that you are valuable as His precious son or daughter.

If you were to come up to a well-loved child of good and kind and wise parents and ask, “Do you love yourself?” the child might look quizzical, as if to say, “What in the world are you talking about?” It very likely could be a question that wouldn’t compute.

But if you were to ask the same child, “Do you see yourself as valuable?” the child would know, immediately, deeply, innately, “Yes! I’m well loved! I’m valuable.”

That is a view of self that God would want His children to have, a healthy view of self in relationship.

The other kind of “self love” sees no relationship

The alternative view of self, described in 2 Timothy 3, is the two-year-old narcissist view. There is no meaningful relationship. There is only ME.

A difference in maturity

This unhealthy love of self, the two-year-old narcissist view, looks only at immediate gratification with no regard for others.

The healthy love of self looks not just at immediate gratification, but cares about self over the long road: “What will be best for me in all the years of my life?” It also looks at relationships: “What will be best for those I love? What will be best for the society as a whole, and what will be best for others in the future?” (Usually these two sets of questions, seen in the big picture, produce answers that are not in conflict.)

A shift out of “worm theology”

For Christians who, like my friend above, have been taught to see themselves as worthless worms, it is high time for them to see themselves as well-loved sons and daughters of God.

The term “worm” is used for God’s Old Covenant people in Isaiah 41:14:

Fear not, you worm Jacob,
    you men of Israel!
I am the one who helps you, declares the Lord;
    your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel.

The people group of Jacob, who were downtrodden like a worm, would be rescued. Once they were rescued, they would no longer be downtrodden like a worm.

Was God telling His Old Covenant people as a group that they really were a worm? No—in fact, when you read all of verse 8-16 in that chapter (which is here), you’ll see how very different from “worm” is God’s attitude toward His people.

But some assume that this epithet is really what God was naming this people group. They then go one step further and apply it equally to His New Covenant people as a group, His people after they have become His redeemed people.

When people are brought out of the kingdom of darkness into the kingdom of God’s dear Son, are they still to be considered worms? That’s what many would have us think, even in some cases substituting the word “maggot” so we can see ourselves as even more disgusting.

But no. There is nothing at all like that in the entirety of the New Covenant. God’s people are beloved sons and daughters of God.

Imagine telling that dearly loved child of wise and good parents that she is a worthless worm. It would take a long time and much conditioning before she would believe you on that one.

The Desiring God article

What do I see when I look within myself?

The Desiring God article says

The first problem with looking inward for love of self is that we’re sinners. When sinners look inward with clear eyes, we don’t like what we see — at least we shouldn’t. We can see sin in all aspects of our lives. We see that we are deeply flawed. Self-love philosophy promises that if you look inward and can find a way to love what you see, you will find peace. But due to our massive shortcomings, we cannot find satisfaction in ourselves.  

Not only does the author seem to miss the concept of true love taking place in the context of relationships, but he says that when we look within ourselves what we see as our identity is sin and flaws and shortcomings.

But I’d like to offer what I believe is a Biblical alternative. When believers in Jesus Christ look within ourselves, we can see the Holy Spirit, who is given to us as a guarantee of our inheritance (Ephesians 1:14). When we look within ourselves, we can see Christ in us, the hope of glory (Colossians 1:27).

That is where our eyes should be focusing when we look within. When we gaze on His face, we are transformed into His image, from glory to glory (2 Corinthians 3:18).

Seeing ourselves as God sees us

The Desiring God article also says,

The “self-acceptance” of the children of God is not an active striving to love ourselves more. Rather, it is coming more and more to see ourselves as God sees us: sinful, guilty, inadequate humans who have been washed clean and declared righteous by faith in Christ (Romans 3:24).  

Here’s an error that I’ve seen many times in Christian writings: speaking to the children of God as if their salvation has not changed them.

Specifically, when God saves us, He no longer sees us as sinful. We are washed clean, and He sees us as saints, sanctified ones (I Corinthians 6:11).

When our Lord Jesus Christ saves us, He no longer sees us as guilty. All our guilt is washed clean and we are no longer under condemnation (Romans 8:1).

When God saves us He no longer sees us as inadequate. He gives us the armor of God, the shield of faith, the sword of the Spirit (Ephesians 6:10-16), and the fountain of Living Waters (John 7:37-39). He tells us to stand strong in Him.

Our righteousness is not theoretical. It is very practical. Our salvation changes not simply our destination, but our earthly destiny, if we will but walk in the Spirit by faith (Romans 8:1-17).

Is worth to be found only in being a Christian?

The Desiring God article says,

True self-love is acceptance of ourselves as redeemed people. Yes, we are loved and accepted, but it is precisely not because we are worthy in ourselves, but because Christ is worthy. Only when we accept the reality of redemption can we find freedom to look outwards. When our gaze is bent inward on ourselves, we fail to love God and cannot hope to love others.  

A question that has been raised to me in regard to this very kind of teaching is “Does this mean that non-Christians have no value?”

Well, no. If so, it wouldn’t be immoral to abort an unborn baby or lynch a Muslim. Every human being has intrinsic value, simply by virtue of being alive.

When I speak to a non-Christian who has been abused, I can speak with great confidence, “It was wrong for your father/ teacher/ pastor/ babysitter/ co-worker/ etc to do those things to you. You are a person of value.” I can say that because I know that every person is a person of value. If people have done wrong, they need to be called to repentance and in many cases experience earthly justice, but every person who walks the earth has intrinsic value, as a living soul made in the image of God. As Lyndall pointed out in her original question, we can all say, “I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”

When people have grown up having been told they were worthless, the primary thing to learn, I believe, is not, “you should love yourself,” but, “you should learn to see how valuable you are.”

Do you love yourself enough?

The Desiring God article closes with this question. It’s asking if you love yourself enough to understand that you shouldn’t love yourself.

Instead, I want to suggest that based on the foregoing arguments, we reframe the question:

Can you see that you, even if you’re not a Christian, are intrinsically valuable? Can you see, if you were abused, that the true God hates the evil that was done to you? Can you see that the true God, our Lord Jesus Christ, holds arms outstretched to you because He loves you? Can you see that He wants to forgive your sin and fill you with His Holy Spirit to transform your life? Can you see that when you come to Him and receive His gift of sonship or daughtership, being brought into His family with Him as your good Father, then you will be able to see yourself as He wants you to see yourself, that you’ll be able to love and love and love with all the love that He offers you, the love that flows out from Him to you and then to others, as He promised to all those who come to Him?

I hope so. And that is what the very best kind of “love of self” is all about.

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Sandra Allen Lovelace
4 years ago

Thank you for this review of the ins and outs of self-love. Much to ponder.

Yvette Milby
Yvette Milby
4 years ago

Is it possible the author of the article, Desiring God, was coming from the perspective of I Timothy 1:15. Paul isn’t espousing his sonship; though he begins the scripture with hope—Jesus came to save sinners! Sadly, he ends the scripture that he “is” (not was) the chief sinner.
I like your perspective of we are God’s beloved sons and daughters. Love does take relationship, and being in a love relationship with oneself is lonely.
As I read the excerpts from the offending article, I wish I had background on why the person wrote what they did—what grievance or sin had they witnessed or been subject to by a narcissistic unrepentant believer.
I think I understand what the person was trying to convey if he/she is dealing with people who are too unconcerned by their own sinful behavior (reminiscent of antinomianism)… his/her hope, maybe, was to get the lover of self to see that there is sin which needs to be dealt with. So, much like Paul, the author drove home the point that we are sinful and we need to see it and repent.
Your illustration of a well loved child knowing their value is spot on! God created and loves us and that makes us valuable. His love is the reason we can truly love. Hopefully if the article writer reads your response they will bring their thoughts on the matter full circle, and end it where it always begins: God loves.
I like your perspective; keep writing!!

Joel Horst
4 years ago

This is so good! I’ve been concerned about how some Christians talk as though we’re still unredeemed sinners (CJ Mahaney’s classic “I’m the worst sinner I know” is one of the worst). There is a real gap in some people’s understanding of the Gospel that makes it like fire insurance to keep you out of Hell, but not something to radically transform you (by GOD’s power, not yours) in your day-to-day life.

Thanks for speaking truth!

David Connon
David Connon
7 months ago
Reply to  Joel Horst

Joel Horst, I agree with you. It is frustrating to hear “worship songs” that drag us through the mud, wallowing in our pre-conversion, pre-redemption state. It is also surprising that some “worship leaders” seem to see no problem in those lyrics.

4 years ago

Thank you, Rebecca! I also was raised with the worm theology and anti-self love. But the last few years I have been challenged with the know thyself-know God connection and self love/acceptance. I believe that being human isn’t intrinsically bad (or evil, depending on who you listen to) as Jesus himself chose to be fully human and showed us how to be so as well. I am trying to see how the goodness and value that God created in us as humans and our absolute need for redemption can co-exist, without denying either. Even as a life-long Christian I struggle with loving myself, as it feels indulgent and unbiblical. But how do I live into all of who God made me to be if I am not worthy of my own acceptance? How do I accept the love of others if I don’t believe I am love worthy? I appreciate your courage in addressing these deep questions, which the church fears or even prohibits and shuns. There is freedom here.

Rachel Nichols
4 years ago

I don’t need to love myself. I tried for many years–and failed. God loves me. His love is enough. 🙂

4 years ago

this is soooo wonderful! thank you for this! I am recovering from “I am a horribly depraved sinner” theology that kept me in my emotionally abusive marriage for 12 years. We are separated now and while I’ve come a long way I still struggle as I have a mother who tends to project an awful lot of guilt on me that I unfortunately still absorb.(example- for her some of my needed boundaries during our separation are seen as selfish)

My separation has really helped me see the truth and the twisted lies I was caught up in and I have found so much healing by coming to know how valuable and precious I am to the Lord! But now I am struggling with more guilt as I struggle with whether or not to reconcile as my husband has shown some effort in changing.. It has been about a year and he wants us to walk the path of reconciliation now since he is a changed man and wants to show me he is a changed man. Would I being selfish and loving myself too much if I chose not to reconcile? I don’t wish him harm I just have no desire to be close to him again.

4 years ago

A friend recommended me to your blog and I have been reading up all the posts for the past 6 months. i have been very reluctant to post my comment as I fear my husband finding out. My marriage was a sham almost from the begining. My husband gave up his well paying job about 2 years after we got married and just stayed at home. He did not seem to be looking out for jobs although I was facing tremendous amount of bullying at my workplace and became depressed as a result of the bullying. Then we moved to another state as I found myself a decent job. My husband moved state to be with me but he never found a job. Some he said were too menial for him as he has a good college degree. Now 20 years later he still has no job.

What I did not know during courtship was that he had an addiction to porn. When I suggested counseling he refused saying that he could give up his habits but he obviously could not. He has become more and more degenerate in this area as the years wore on. I am not sure why I stayed on with him but it could be because of my son who had a pretty good relationship with him. Soon after my son was born my husband detached himself from me and preferred porn to me. He has had relationships with other women too. i cannot trust my husband and dread to think that I have to live with him “till death do us part”.

I have read many books on the subject of marriage and most encourage submission and forgiveness. Over the years I wondered if God had abandoned me. I married my husband as he proclaimed to be a Christian. I had rejected many non-believers suitors as I wanted to follow God. Even as I write I wonder if God really wants me to leave or just stay on in a loveless marriage. If I stay my husband will continue to take advantage of my earnings. He refused to consider divorce when I asked him. My husband’s sister who is a Christian advised me to stay on in the marriage and serve God saying that a loveless marriage is no big deal considering what Jesus has suffered and endured for us.

I had planned to do this initially as I have been married for 2 decades and did not see the logic in leaving at this stage of my life in my fifties. But somehow for reasons I cannot pinpoint, I have started to feel very restless and question if God could have something better for me. I have lost my self esteem and feel very unworthy and I need to know God loves me.


4 years ago

I came to your blog by one of those rabbit trails that an lazy afternoon at the computer sometimes takes you, and I must say I like your writings, even though it is sometime very disturbing (but important!) subjects you write about. But the reason I comment is this:
I’ve been encouraged by others to use books from Desiring God in homeschooling our teenage boys, but felt reluctant and uncomfortable about it, without being able to pinpoint why. Reading this blog post has helped me straighten out my own arguments for letting those books stay on the shelf. Thank you!

David Connon
David Connon
7 months ago

Rebecca, these explanations of how to love yourself are so important. Thank you for your careful reading, thinking, and teaching.

Pat Hayden
Pat Hayden
7 months ago

First of all, John piper used to be one of my favourite preachers until I saw him interviewed on YouTube when he was asked if Christians should celebrate Halloween and his response was that he didn’t see a problem with it.
I am an SRA survivor, satan‘s main goal in this type of abuse is to dishonour God and to dishonour me, to bring shame. It’s my identity in Christ that gives me value as well as the fact that I am fearfully and wonderfully made by God. I’m over 70 years of age and I still can’t look at myself in the mirror – that is the enemy’s doing. Condemnation/self condemnation comes from the enemy. Scripture says that God is love. If we are supposed to love our neighbours as ourselves, to me that sounds pretty clear because you can’t love your neighbour with a narcissistic love. I need to learn to see myself through God‘s eyes because God’s love is perfect and I can’t accomplish that without God’s help. There is nothing that I can accomplish without God.

6 months ago

Thank you for this article. I struggled for a long time with this same dilemma. The Theology that tells me that I am unworthy and that there’s nothing in me to love. This was especially challenging because I came from a non-Christian background, so the idea that I can only be loved in Christ was a challenging stumbling block to get over. I also experienced abuse and abandonment form the people who should have been there to love me.

I struggled deeply with self-hatred for years, and only now in my 30’s am I learning healthy self-love. I still remember people telling me to love myself, including a college professor, (a lapsed Catholic), who saw how discouraged I was upon graduation. Others told me that as well, but I brushed it off as, “well, they’re not believers, so what do they know?”

I can still hear the preachers on the radio station, that I constantly listened to during those years, saying the same things constantly. “Love yourself” is not biblical.

But then, even my Christian friends turned away from me, when they saw what deep darkness I lived in. I knew something was wrong, when the very people who preached against self-love and “happiness” were repelled by my self-hatred and unhappiness.

I drove myself into a deep hole. My life collapsed. That’s when I knew I needed to learn to love myself. Paradoxically, it was in learning to receive that I became better able to give.

Last edited 6 months ago by Lila
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