One time some friends and I were studying a book about the Christian life, and we came to a section about the way abusers think and act. I said, “Some of you may be able to think of someone you know who fits this description.”
One woman replied that for this study she only wanted to look at herself; she didn’t want to look at anyone else.
Now, I understand that thinking. We need to ask the Lord to show us the sins in our own hearts, and we need to repent of them. Absolutely.
But we also very much need to be able to see and understand other people besides ourselves, because understanding the people in our lives is part of how we can accomplish full maturity.
Don Hennessy, in his book How He Gets into Her Head: The Mind of the Male Intimate Abuser, said,
“The focus of our work with a client is to explore with her the reasons for and the effects of relationship abuse and violence. This is best achieved by drawing her attention to the thinking and the mindset of her abuser. This changes the focus of the woman’s analysis away from self-examination. This focus of self-examination has been instigated and orchestrated by the offender right from the beginning of the relationship.”
The fact is that the continued pattern of self-focus for sin issues can become very unhealthy. It’s okay and even like Jesus to focus some attention on the thinking and mindset of how abusers work, even one’s very own specific abuser.
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A few other blog posts on similar topics:
Are all Christians hypocrites? A response to a Bill Hybels supporter
“Your greatest problem is your own sin”
“Look to the cross more”–a response to the “gospel-centered” movement
Have you been Philippians 4:8’d?
4 ways teaching Christians to embrace “I’m the worst sinner I know” is harming the church
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Go here to download your free Guide, How to Enjoy the Bible Again (when you’re ready) After Spiritual Abuse (without feeling guilty or getting triggered out of your mind). You’ll receive access to both print and audio versions of the Guide (audio read by me). I’m praying it will be helpful.
This is so good… Sadly, the general principle of logs and splinters is generally applied from an expectation of perfection, whereby we are told that we may not identify the legitimate harm another is causing until we ourselves are virtually perfect. That is ridiculous. We are called to judge rightly, to walk in truth and righteousness AND to acknowledge hypocrisy and legitimate harm where it exists, to identify the wolves among us and remove them. I cringe to consider how many have suffered because so many believers are afraid of appearing judgmental.
So, so true!
Re: Elder Charlie
I suggest he also needs to resign from being any kind of “Elder” at once.
absolutely
Wow… never quite thought about it this way before, but Jesus specifically says that after you remove the log from your own eye, you will be able to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. He’s not condemning speck-removal (anyone who’s had dust in their eyes knows that this is a kind thing to do!). He’s condemning hypocrites. And if you’re not a hypocrite, it doesn’t apply. Cool.
Also, those who yank this scripture out and use it to silence others may very well be that person with the log in the eye. Funny how they never apply that scripture to themselves in the way they apply it to others.
Yes . . . in fact, I heard a prepared speech by a president of a Christian college (Bob Jones University) responding to their egregious wrongs that others had formally pointed out concerning sexual abuse at the school, letting all of us know that they were getting the speck out of their eye.