addressing the false teaching of “daily dying to self,” part 1
A couple of months ago blogger Darrell Harrison posted this blog article (link), which told us our marriages are supposed to kill us. (It was also reposted here and in a few other places.) My thanks to the reader who alerted me to it.
I wrote to the author of the article over a month ago, telling him I disagreed with it and might blog a response, but pleading with him at the very least to add a disclaimer to say that he opposed domestic abuse. I never received a reply, and he hasn’t posted a disclaimer.
Aside from the fact that any blog post with a title such as this should have a disclaimer that repudiates domestic abuse, I believe the basic tenets of the article are incorrect.
So since I also think for myself—as the post author says he does in his website’s name—and especially since I read the Bible, here we go. . . .
Your marriage is not supposed to kill you
There is no place, no place, no place in the Bible that even hints that your marriage should cause your death, physically or spiritually.
Did you get that? NO PLACE.This article has now been truncated because it has been editing and incorporated into the book . You can find that book here.
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This article has now been truncated because it has been editing and incorporated into the book . You can find that book here.
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Go here to download your free Guide, How to Enjoy the Bible Again (when you’re ready) After Spiritual Abuse (without feeling guilty or getting triggered out of your mind). You’ll receive access to both print and audio versions of the Guide (audio read by me). I’m praying it will be helpful.
Rebecca, this is very interesting! Somehow, I have missed the fact that we are not called to “die to ourselves”. I had already seen the fallacy of the “I die daily” passage, but not dying to oneself.
I was just thinking yesterday about how God tells those who already believe, “You ARE dead” (Colossians 3:2), and in Romans 6 he says to count ourselves dead to sin but alive to God. Which, of course, is the flip side: we are also raised to life in Christ!
Looking forward to the rest of the series!
Looks like you’ve given quite a spoiler right here, Joel! Thank you for your comment!
This is very good, Rebecca. Tim’s thoughts and comments were excellent.
Such good thoughts here! Many years ago, I wrote something in the emphasis on mortification of sin that I saw in our former church. http://watchtheshepherd.blogspot.com/2011/08/on-walking-by-grace-instead-of-focus-on.html
Thanks! You don’t mention the “daily dying to self” problem in this article, but it does fit with this article, about how Christians shouldn’t think of themselves as the worst sinner they know. https://heresthejoy.com/2017/03/four-ways-teaching-christians-to-embrace-im-the-worst-sinner-i-know-is-harming-the-church/
I love this! I hadn’t thought of it in terms of “dying daily” before; I’ve thought about more in terms of the submission argument in marriage. But I think that there is a strain in Christianity that says that “the more miserable you are, the holier you are.” When I was on a Teen Missions trip in the 1980s, they taught us that “The Way Up is Down”, but instead of pointing you to relying on God, our leaders taught us that suffering was holy.
No, it’s not. Living in obedience to God is holy, and sometimes that will mean suffering. But suffering, in and of itself, is not good. It is not about suffering–it is about seeking God’s will. In losing ourselves, sometimes we allow other people to act in an ungodly manner. That may feel holy, but it’s not furthering the kingdom of God. It’s hindering it.
I wrote more about that here:
http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2012/08/submission-doesnt-mean-lying-over-and-taking-it/
in how we often tell women to put up with horrible things in marriage because it means they’re holier.
I love that blog post! I especially appreciate how you drew the comparison/contrast with different incidents in Jesus’ life. SO important to understand! He didn’t do only one thing–He lived life to the fullest, and we can look at all of it for our examples.
That idea of “suffering will make you more holy” was actually why I thought the concept might have come from Buddhism–because my understanding is that is more or less what Buddhism teaches. But all our holiness comes through Jesus Christ, and not through anything we can do. When I finally understood that concept, it was one of the most freeing things ever.
Thank you for this wonderful post, that a friend passed along to me. I knew this, but 4 years ago became involved with a group overseas that I can only say that the verse that the Lord used to deliver me from there false Doctrine was, oh you foolish Galatians, who has Bewitched you?! My understanding if you take it in context with the entire word of God, is that when Jesus tells us we must deny ourselves, take up our cross, and follow him, and also where the Apostle Paul says, I protest, I Die daily… These are not the angst-ridden self effort producing, joyless admonitions to constantly think of something new that I can give up to show Jesus that I’m serious about him, that well meaning, but seriously off base, teachers interpret these passages by. My goodness! Look at it all again, in context with the whole word of God! Especially Galatians, Romans, and Hebrews! These passages are urging us to the exact opposite of this angst-ridden teaching! They are urging us to the joy of the exchanged life! For example, when the Apostle Paul tells us to set our minds on things above. He is not saying here that we are to just stand around all day with our heads Towards the Sky, trying to think lofty thoughts, and live this joyless angsty life! All of these verses are pointing to life, and Jesus, the prince of life! What they are saying is look to the finished work of Jesus, not our own works! It is the exchanged life! How thankful I am that the Lord delivered me from this group and this false teaching. I am still healing, and cry out daily for the Lord to restore to me the joy of his salvation and the innocent childlike relationship that I had with him prior to my encounter with this loveless group. My heart breaks for them, because they are so well-meaning, but so incredibly wrong! They have cut off fellowship with many other groups for the most minor infractions, and basically are just a tiny little cult-like church now, giving up everything, such as getting married, or the simplest and most innocent and godly Joys, and just waiting for the rapture. This is not what God meant by loving the appearing of Jesus! We who look forward to his return should be the most joyful people on earth! But if you are always trying to keep yourself, and don’t realize what Jesus did for you on the cross, you are going to be a Pharisee, there is no other way around that!
Again, thank you so much for taking this subject on! God bless you and your husband! Jesus came to set the captives free, not imprison people in man-made traditions and laws.
PS please forgive the interesting capitalization and grammar here, I’m using Google Voice typing, LOL! 🙂
Thank you so much for this, Nina Ruth. The description you give of that “bewitched” group is so tragic, and sadly, so common. When you said “Look at it all again in context of the whole Word of God,” that reminded me of my blog post called “The trump card of Romans 7,” which talks about the very same thing. It’s here: https://heresthejoy.com/2012/05/the-trump-card-of-romans-7/ I’m so thankful that you’re healing from the trauma caused by the “heavy burdens and grievous to be borne” put on my sometimes very well-meaning people who don’t understand what Jesus Christ is really offering.
This doctrine (or mentality) that we should just take any abuse or suffering in order to become more holy, is quite widespread. Even if not explicitly taught, it has crept in among so many believers. It is assumed that ‘suffer, suffer, so you’ll get a brighter crown one day’ is so destructive, and causes indifference and lack of compassion.. ‘You’re suffering, so God must be teaching you something! Find out the lesson! You seem to need some character refinement!’
The other extreme, mirroring this ‘holiness through suffering’ of course is the common Charismatic teaching (and sometimes non-Charismatic too) that all challenges and difficulties are a result of our own sin, unfaithfulness, doubt, fear etc… And there is not much compassion there either…
Haveing been at the receiving end for both of these ‘admonishments’ I can say that there is very little true compassion in the Church – it is easier to look down on suffering sisters& brothers, and blame them for their tragedies.
God is not expecting us to live in a joyless, mummified existence: it is really a Buddhist goal. In an extreme form of Japanese Buddhism, there are monks who try to mummify themselves through vigorous diet, ascetic denial etc… That is not what our God expects from His chidlren!
We are not to become mummies, but living witnesses!
Yes, exactly.
Really interesting article, Rebecca… thank you!
But moving away from the apostle Paul for a moment, Jesus said some things that would seem to support the “die daily” concept. For instance, Luke 9:23-24:
“And He was saying to them all, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me.
“For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake, he is the one who will save it.”
Thoughts?
That’s why this is a series. 🙂 That command from Jesus is addressed in tomorrow’s post.
I don’t think dying to self is about dying to joy or happiness or peace or good things. I think dying to self is dying to our compulsion to be in control of our lives. Dying to self means surrendering control to God, wherever that leads. It does not mean that we give up joy; it means we find joy (since trying to be in control is a very exhausting thing to do!)
Well, the case I’m making in this series of posts is that “daily dying to self” isn’t in the Bible and is even antithetical to what Jesus and the apostles taught. Today’s post talks about that more and why it matters: https://heresthejoy.com/2017/07/dear-christian-stop-trying-to-die/
It’s amazing to me how so easily we fall captive to suppositions that are taught over and over til we become so blind by them that we miss actual truth. That is why I am a firm believer in studying to show THYSELF approved – when it it comes to scripture one must almost have an ‘each man for himself ‘ mindset in order to avoid the “well-meaning” teachings that lead into pitfalls and destruction.
This article is fantastic, and helped me find my feet again. It also answered my prayer for helping me identify ‘that thing’ I just couldn’t put my finger on but desperately know is wrong. My joy is been blocked, my peace removed, and I’ve been living in a state of deferred-hope sickness for years without any way back to Life, Peace, and Joy. This article gave me the key.
I’m very thankful for that, Gumdrop. There is so much life to be lived in Jesus Christ. Part 2 of this series goes on to elaborate on that more, here: https://heresthejoy.com/2017/07/dear-christian-stop-trying-to-die/
I don’t want to have an “every man for himself” attitude toward learning the Word of God, though–there is much to be learned from Christians who have gone before us. But *every* teaching, no matter *how* respected the teacher is, has to be held up against the Word of God as the final authority (just as the Bereans did with Paul). That’s why, though it’s good to study other writers, without question it’s Holy-Spirit-submitted study of the Holy Scriptures themselves (without spending most of that time in commentaries) that must have pre-eminence in our lives.
It was when I reached a similar point as what you’re describing here–“What’s this wall in my Christian life, Lord?”–that eventually the Lord began to open this truth to me. And it was a truth that many before me had learned, but I just hadn’t been aware of it. I can recommend some good books on the topic that have encouraged and strengthened me–but primarily because the authors showed what God planned for His people through laying open the Word of God, without pre-established premises.
Rebecca, My best friend, for over 40 years, was seduced emotionally, and deceived into marrying a divorced man, 12 years her senior, 30 years ago. Her church pastors advised her to marry him.(It’s amazing how men will cover up another man’s abusive behavior.) She was 25, a sheltered, naive Christian girl, and he was 37, a “Christian”, a tough, selfish, controlling man of the world, who, when the ceremony was over, left the church with her, took her out to live in the middle of nowhere, and separated her, not only from her family and friends, but from anyone she knew at all. After the marriage, he told her that he wanted to marry a woman who understood submission. She never even told me she was dating him, and she probably didn’t tell her parents either. For most of her marriage, she lied to me to conceal how bad it was. She truly loved him, and devoted herself to his 24/7 care the last 10 years of her marriage. He died 7/20. His 2 adult sons are following in his footsteps with divorces and crazy behaviors. They were evil to her after his death, and she loved them and was good to them until she left the area. She’s been out of church for years, and has devoted herself to weird online prophets and prophecies. She is not interested in attending church. She has moved back into the area where her family is living and is isolating herself from them. She wants to remain in contact with me, but she is not allowing me to contacting her. How do I pray for her? Is what she going through, normal stages of grief?
Oh Pat I’m so sorry for the cruel tragedy your friend experienced. Because her life was so far from normal, I’m guessing she may need to explore the possibility of PTSD and certainly get help untangling the lies. You could crack open the “PTSD” door by asking her if she might have it because of her husband’s death, and to look through the symptoms of it to see if they apply. If she finds that they do, you could suggest counseling. If by chance she gets a counselor who recognizes the signs of abuse, she may be able to get help.
Thank you so much. Thank you so much, Rebecca.
Thanks for this article. As I like to say, you can’t put “Jesus first, Others second and Yourself last” when you dont have a self.
What they’re calling for isnt the healthy, normal sense in which were called to die to self. You cant give from a place of having first received. Read a little passage about this in “Love is a Choice”.
Yes, we have to have a self and to learn how to care for that self properly, as Jesus would have us do. The only way Jesus called us to die spiritually is in His crucifixion, to be raised again to newness of life in His resurrection. Once. We can be willing to die physically at various times throughout our lives for His sake, but never again spiritually, since He has already done all that. That is to say, I believe there isn’t a healthy, normal way to “daily die to self.” The other pertinent Scriptures are addressed in the blog post series.